I’m still in Des Moines, still in a gloriously quiet and fancy hotel, still on a small break from being the mom and wife and job juggler for just a few more hours. I also know that the clock is continuing to tick, and before I know it we will be checking out, traveling home, and I will be walking back into the reality of what I left behind Saturday morning.
I’m sipping some coffee, doing my devotions, scrolling through social media… and I find myself sitting here less than twenty four hours after checking something huge off my bucket list, my life goal list, my “I can’t believe I actual did that” list… and I’m already wondering… What’s next?
What is next for me? October 15, 2017 was my “what’s next” for the last nine months of my life. It’s what I thought about, it’s what I worked towards, it’s what I trained for. It’s what got me up in the morning, it’s what got me to bed on time at night. It’s what helped me eat clean, try hard, push myself, put in the hours and miles. It’s what helped me grow, change, and believe in myself.
It was a distinct moment in my current Journey to Faith.
I’m sipping some coffee, doing my devotions, scrolling through social media… and I find myself sitting here less than twenty four hours after checking something huge off my bucket list, my life goal list, my “I can’t believe I actual did that” list… and I’m already wondering… What’s next?
What is next for me? October 15, 2017 was my “what’s next” for the last nine months of my life. It’s what I thought about, it’s what I worked towards, it’s what I trained for. It’s what got me up in the morning, it’s what got me to bed on time at night. It’s what helped me eat clean, try hard, push myself, put in the hours and miles. It’s what helped me grow, change, and believe in myself.
It was a distinct moment in my current Journey to Faith.
Am I a different person today at 7:30 a.m. than I was yesterday at 7:30 a.m. before I run and completed that race? No. I am still the same person, I am still in the same body, I still have the same mind. I still don't consider myself athletic, I still don’t consider myself perfect or arrived or complete. I know I will still continue to battle my weight, my will, my desires, my motivation, my perseverance, my drive, and my willpower.
I know myself and I am fully aware that this is a moment when I could be done, when I could quit, when I could walk away and not ever look back. This is also a moment when I could decide to not be done, when I could choose to not quit, to not walk away and be done. This is a moment when I need to decide which fork in the road I am going to take next. The road back to the old me, or the road continuing on with this current me.
When I came back to the hotel after the race yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped. I stood there and really looked at myself in the mirror. This is something I never do… never.
The person looking back at me, at that very moment, was the me that is probably going to be the best me that will ever exist. I found it a jumbled mix of humbling, sobering, exciting, scary, and sad.
Yesterday very well could have been that one day when the stars of my life all aligned, and for a few brief hours I was the very best I am ever going to be. Yesterday, very likely, is a day that I may never reach again, a day that I surely will never again accomplish greater than. I ran farther and faster than I will probably ever be able to accomplish ever again. I am at a weight and fitness level I will probably never be able to maintain for this length of time again. I am at a spiritual and mental place of acceptance and peace that I will probably also never be able to maintain for this long again.
I continued to look in the mirror at that post race me, still in my running clothes and tennis shoes, battling between a post race high and absolute mental and physical exhaustion, still trying to grasp and process the magnitude of what exactly had just all happened, what exactly I had just all done and accomplished. And I had no idea what's next.
Where does one go from in that exact moment in life? What next step(s) do you take when you are more than likely standing at the very tippy top of all your greatest accomplishments and you know it’s only downhill from there?
I don’t honestly know what’s next… but I am continuing to realize that I am not defined by the weight on the scale, the number of miles in my running app, or the speed of those miles I run. I am not defined by the size of clothes I wear, the number of workouts I do in a week, the number of calories I consume in a day. I am defined by the choices I make surrounding all those areas.
I am defined by the steps of my journey along the way as I travel from one “what’s next” to the next “what’s next.” I am defined by the choices I make at the pivotal crossroads in the milestone moments like right now.
I have learned, for me, I do need to have a “what’s next…” as I seem to do best (or certainly better) with a designated dream, goal, plan, target event date.
Will I run another half marathon? I’m honestly not sure… but more than likely I probably will, if my body and health allow me. Will I continue to get up every morning at 4:20 a.m. and seize the potential of the day and start my day with discipline, exercise, and devotions? I don’t actually know, but I sure hope so. I sure plan to.
I’m not sure “what’s next” on the large scale timeline of my life, on an exact date and distance scale… but today, right now, I am going to tell myself that I am going to commit myself to something… I will commitment myself to something small, something medium, and something large to strive for, to train for, to set my mind on, to believe in, to push towards.
I know myself and I am fully aware that this is a moment when I could be done, when I could quit, when I could walk away and not ever look back. This is also a moment when I could decide to not be done, when I could choose to not quit, to not walk away and be done. This is a moment when I need to decide which fork in the road I am going to take next. The road back to the old me, or the road continuing on with this current me.
When I came back to the hotel after the race yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped. I stood there and really looked at myself in the mirror. This is something I never do… never.
The person looking back at me, at that very moment, was the me that is probably going to be the best me that will ever exist. I found it a jumbled mix of humbling, sobering, exciting, scary, and sad.
Yesterday very well could have been that one day when the stars of my life all aligned, and for a few brief hours I was the very best I am ever going to be. Yesterday, very likely, is a day that I may never reach again, a day that I surely will never again accomplish greater than. I ran farther and faster than I will probably ever be able to accomplish ever again. I am at a weight and fitness level I will probably never be able to maintain for this length of time again. I am at a spiritual and mental place of acceptance and peace that I will probably also never be able to maintain for this long again.
I continued to look in the mirror at that post race me, still in my running clothes and tennis shoes, battling between a post race high and absolute mental and physical exhaustion, still trying to grasp and process the magnitude of what exactly had just all happened, what exactly I had just all done and accomplished. And I had no idea what's next.
Where does one go from in that exact moment in life? What next step(s) do you take when you are more than likely standing at the very tippy top of all your greatest accomplishments and you know it’s only downhill from there?
I don’t honestly know what’s next… but I am continuing to realize that I am not defined by the weight on the scale, the number of miles in my running app, or the speed of those miles I run. I am not defined by the size of clothes I wear, the number of workouts I do in a week, the number of calories I consume in a day. I am defined by the choices I make surrounding all those areas.
I am defined by the steps of my journey along the way as I travel from one “what’s next” to the next “what’s next.” I am defined by the choices I make at the pivotal crossroads in the milestone moments like right now.
I have learned, for me, I do need to have a “what’s next…” as I seem to do best (or certainly better) with a designated dream, goal, plan, target event date.
Will I run another half marathon? I’m honestly not sure… but more than likely I probably will, if my body and health allow me. Will I continue to get up every morning at 4:20 a.m. and seize the potential of the day and start my day with discipline, exercise, and devotions? I don’t actually know, but I sure hope so. I sure plan to.
I’m not sure “what’s next” on the large scale timeline of my life, on an exact date and distance scale… but today, right now, I am going to tell myself that I am going to commit myself to something… I will commitment myself to something small, something medium, and something large to strive for, to train for, to set my mind on, to believe in, to push towards.
I do not want to let yesterday be an ending. I’m not going to let today not be the start towards something new, something great, something hard. I’m not going to lose everything I worked for to get me to yesterday by turning the page to today without a clear “what’s next.”
Today I will enjoy the silence and the rest for just a few more hours. Tomorrow I will set my alarm for 4:20 a.m. and I will have my exercise and work clothes both neatly laid out and ready for me. I will get up and start my “what’s next” … even if I’m not exactly sure what that is going to be just yet.
But my “what’s next” will include a “what’s next.” I will not be done now that this “what’s next” is actually now a "what's done".
What’s next for you? Do you know? Let’s spend some time in thought and prayer and earnestly listen to the whisper within. Listen and do not be afraid of what you hear. Reach out for it, go for it, work for it, believe in it… You can do it, you can accomplish great things, and you are worth it. I will do the same… and I promise I will keep you posted as to what I hear, and what my next “what’s next” is going to be.
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