I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a wife. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to get up and exercise. I don't want to count the points and think about the food in my hands heading to my mouth. I don't want to shower. I don't want to do spelling words and homework. I don’t want to turn the corner and battle the drop off zone at school. I don't want to turn my ovens on to cook or bake anything.
It's raining again today, there's pink cupcake competition all over Facebook again today, there's horrific news all over the tv again today, there's weight gain on my scale again today, there's sass and disrespect from my nine year old again today. And there was coffee grounds in my coffee today. I mean come on now, really?!?!
How does one go forward... how does one be positive in the world and in life right now? I mean really, what does one do, what does one turn to, what does one cling to when all the world is a mess, when all the minutes are heavy, when all the calm is now chaos?
There are so many outlets, so many options that help dim the reality, dull the ache... The electronic numbing, the negative social media feeding, the poor choices of what we eat, drink, take in, or leave out of our bodies. The toxic thoughts and razor sharp responses that leap from our tongues before stopping to consider their repercussions. So many avenues and areas of denial and blindness.
Some days I have it in me to fight it, some days I don't. Today obviously I don't. And I'm not sure why and I'm not sure what to even do about it.
It's not that I'm in manic depression, I'm not suicidal. I'm not not going to leave my family, no one is in danger. I don't need to be rushed to the ER, or to a shrink, or be heavily medicated. This isn't a cry for help... It's just life.
It's just normal ebbs and flows, ups and downs of living life in our fallen and broken world. Today I'm in a funk, in a low, in a bit more of a fight of good vs evil.
And of course I know WHO to turn to, WHO to cling to, WHO to come before with my earnest plea of restoration and recovery. And of course I know WHAT I have to do, WHAT I have to turn from, WHAT I need to avoid.
Everyone has their own vices, their own demons they turn to when life gets tricky and the world feels icky. For me, I need to stay off social media, turn off the tv, stay out of the kitchen, open the Bible, nod my head in prayer... real prayer... earnest prayer... not just the flippant lip service prayer we offer and never actually follow through with, and overcome the nagging guilt from indulging in self care, soul care, and self preservation. I need to steer clear from the drama, avoid the negativity and just keep moving forward, one step at a time.
Of course all is easier said than done... but I think just openly admitting that I'm in a place I don't enjoy, I don't like, I don't want to be is just one huge step towards realigning my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my discontent. It’s ok to wallow… for a while. And then we need to make another cup of coffee, call a spade a spade, and just throw in the towel and walk away for a while.
This too shall pass. God is still good. Life is still awesome. And Lord knows I am still blessed beyond belief.
I’m just going to choose to be a little Crabby Patty just a little longer over here in my grumpy little corner… at least until that fresh grounds-free cup of coffee is finished perking over there in its happy little corner. ;-)
{ Next blog post "It's Race Week" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "Last Weekend At The Lake" HERE }
It's raining again today, there's pink cupcake competition all over Facebook again today, there's horrific news all over the tv again today, there's weight gain on my scale again today, there's sass and disrespect from my nine year old again today. And there was coffee grounds in my coffee today. I mean come on now, really?!?!
How does one go forward... how does one be positive in the world and in life right now? I mean really, what does one do, what does one turn to, what does one cling to when all the world is a mess, when all the minutes are heavy, when all the calm is now chaos?
There are so many outlets, so many options that help dim the reality, dull the ache... The electronic numbing, the negative social media feeding, the poor choices of what we eat, drink, take in, or leave out of our bodies. The toxic thoughts and razor sharp responses that leap from our tongues before stopping to consider their repercussions. So many avenues and areas of denial and blindness.
Some days I have it in me to fight it, some days I don't. Today obviously I don't. And I'm not sure why and I'm not sure what to even do about it.
It's not that I'm in manic depression, I'm not suicidal. I'm not not going to leave my family, no one is in danger. I don't need to be rushed to the ER, or to a shrink, or be heavily medicated. This isn't a cry for help... It's just life.
It's just normal ebbs and flows, ups and downs of living life in our fallen and broken world. Today I'm in a funk, in a low, in a bit more of a fight of good vs evil.
And of course I know WHO to turn to, WHO to cling to, WHO to come before with my earnest plea of restoration and recovery. And of course I know WHAT I have to do, WHAT I have to turn from, WHAT I need to avoid.
Everyone has their own vices, their own demons they turn to when life gets tricky and the world feels icky. For me, I need to stay off social media, turn off the tv, stay out of the kitchen, open the Bible, nod my head in prayer... real prayer... earnest prayer... not just the flippant lip service prayer we offer and never actually follow through with, and overcome the nagging guilt from indulging in self care, soul care, and self preservation. I need to steer clear from the drama, avoid the negativity and just keep moving forward, one step at a time.
Of course all is easier said than done... but I think just openly admitting that I'm in a place I don't enjoy, I don't like, I don't want to be is just one huge step towards realigning my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my discontent. It’s ok to wallow… for a while. And then we need to make another cup of coffee, call a spade a spade, and just throw in the towel and walk away for a while.
This too shall pass. God is still good. Life is still awesome. And Lord knows I am still blessed beyond belief.
I’m just going to choose to be a little Crabby Patty just a little longer over here in my grumpy little corner… at least until that fresh grounds-free cup of coffee is finished perking over there in its happy little corner. ;-)
{ Next blog post "It's Race Week" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "Last Weekend At The Lake" HERE }
No comments:
Post a Comment