One Snapshot in Time

Once upon a time, there was this girl in this photo. It was summer 2018, long before covid, and I had just crossed the finish line of the Zumbrota Half Marathon, at an official time of 2:02:00.

This morning as I held this stack of photos in my hands, slowly thumbing through them, and as I came across this one in particular, it was like I had been kicked in the gut. Oh Lord how I remember that exact moment. The runners high of finishing a half marathon, a bucket list marathon none-the-less, the adrenaline, the endorphins, the exact moment as caught in that split second of time.

Oh gosh I was so… happy, so… healthy, so… in shape, so… skinny (soooo skinny!)… And as I sat here soaking that reality and memory all in, all I could think was, “Wow, I am not that girl anymore.” My heart hurt and my self disappointment overtook me.  I had worked so hard to get myself to that spot.  I'm still working hard, but obviously not hard enough, because that is not where I am at anymore.

Two and a half years ago … a lifetime ago, and a mere blink in time ago.

I almost put the photos back away, I almost backed out of my decision to finish up scrapbooking the long lost, and long forgotten, summer of 2018 photos that I had recently come across while finally finding a small motivation to open my scrapbook room door and even enter it. It’s been a long hard season for me over here, and while I had once carried a great love and desire to scrapbook, that has not been the case for the past year.

I didn’t put the photos back, I didn’t quit and walk away. I decided to just continue on and get them done. The photos are already printed and just sitting there. The scrapbook already 2/3 of the way done. Why not. 

I spread out the photos, deciding which ones to start with. I picked some paper, did some trimming and arranging, all the while just looking at the smile and sparkle in my eyes, and the thin lean legs crossing that finish line.

At first I was frustrated and upset at myself. Why, why did you have to go let all that perfection slip away yet again? Why can’t you ever just maintain your happiness and weight longer than one to two years max? Oh what I wouldn’t give to get myself back to that moment again…

I took a break and flipped through some of the pages of previous 2018 weekends at the lake that I’d scrapbooked over two years ago, that I'd just left abandoned in a large stack on a chair. The more pages I continued to flip through, the more memories started coming back.

You know, I wasn’t so happy that summer. No, I wasn’t happy at all. The hubs and I were not in a great place during that season. I remember sitting with my soon-to-be-daughter-in-law at a cement table overlooking the lake, crying as she held me and talked to me, begging me to see my worth and find my happiness.

No, I wasn’t really truly happy back in June 2018.

I picked up the stack of photos and kept looking. Oh Lord have mercy, how could I have forgotten what a horrible trip that had actually been?!? I had a new job and didn’t have any time off, so we arrived late the night before the race. And the hotel… where to even begin. The main lobby reeked of what I recall as a cat litter type smell, perhaps actually more an issue of Ethnic cooking smells deeply saturated into every carpet, curtain and piece of furniture. No elevator to the 2nd story, all the luggage up the narrow stairwell. Our room… the air conditioner was broken (and it was nearing triple digits outside) the toilet seat was broken, there was no batteries in the tv remote, the tv was not hooked up to cable or dish or whatever, there was no telephone in the room… and by the time we checked out I had a very strong suspicion I had bedbug bites on my left arm.

No, this was not an ideal little getaway back in 2018.

A few more photos flipped, and I remember waking up to rain. No, not rain, thunderstorms with down-pouring rain, thunder, and lightening. We would sit in our car for over an hour while they tried to decide what to do. We would gather inside the covered bridge and wait some more. They finally decided to just let us go (which they should not have with all that lightening. I will never forget that lighting bolt and immediate crack of thunder that hunched me over with my hands over my head and leaving the hairs on my arm tingling and standing straight up, as I stood in a giant puddle). There was no gun, no official start - just a “well… I guess you can just head out.” It poured the entire 13.1 miles. Mud, puddles past my ankles, no water stations, not one person on the street cheering the entire last mile of the race… My goal was to sub 2 … and I was on pace the entire race until the last mile, where I tanked it. I crossed the finish at 2:02:00

No, that was no really such a great race back in 2018.

And then I remember the cold, the body shakes, the long wet wait during awards. Ok, so maybe we had to stay because I had in fact placed 3rd in my age group, and would be getting another medal. Ok, so that was one other tiny good thing. Oh my gosh, and all the missed calls and the text messages during my run from my son and his girlfriend who had our youngest son and had no idea what to do with him because he was such a hot mess after being at camp for a week.

Camp… camp had been so hard to navigate through and we had to coordinate so much with so many people to get our youngest picked up and then dropped off so he could go somewhere else because we had left as soon as I had gotten off work. Oh and the dogs had to have been all shuffled around as well.

So, it had been a crazy week of coordinating everything and everyone so I could just go do that race.

But, that race had been on my bucket list. I had already skipped doing it the summer of 2017 because I didn’t give it priority. I had gone back and forth so many times and finally at last minute had just signed up a few weeks before the event…. I remember thinking how I knew we weren’t guaranteed tomorrow, which was my deciding factor to doing it.

And that thought, right there, made me stop short this morning.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow. My life’s overarching motto, after losing our Faith MaryJo in 2015. We cannot take our health, or anything in our lives for granted. Don’t put off today what you might not be able to do tomorrow.

And you know what I know today that I didn't know then when that photo was taken? In 2019, heavy spring snow would cave in the roof of that covered bridge, and while they still had the race that summer, the bridge was not fully repaired and the bridge could not be part of the race. In 2020, the race would be covid canceled entirely. Had I not signed up for that 2018 race, I would have probably never run it.

Sobering, humbling, grateful, thankful.

Yes, that photo was taken before covid would arrive and change our entire lives, before in person racing was basically taken away for an unknown length of time, before everything and everyone was forced to change in their terms of interactions, and thoughts, and beliefs, and … well, that’s another post for another time. I’m going to leave it simply at, that photo was taken “pre-covid.” This reality speaks for itself right now.

My oldest son and his girlfriend were the ones who took our youngest, and both our pups, to the camper and watched them for us while we were gone. Both our pups… what I also didn’t know then, was our precious Lily would pass away in Jan 2020. There were many photos taken of her that they sent to us while we were gone, and today I am so grateful for those dear dear memories of her! The tears sting my eyes missing her, but there is a smile on my face remembering her.

You know what else, those two would break up that fall. It was hard and devastating, and it would be a long journey in their relationship over the next year and a half. This past March, right at the beginning of covid… they would actually get back together again, and I am beyond ecstatic to share they are getting married in June of 2021. Our house is so full of love, and laughter, and smiles, and planning right now. At the time of that photo, I had no idea the hard turns they would have to go through to get them to today.

The hubs and I are also in a nearly black and white different place than we were during that season of 2018. I think back to all the tears and hard, and while of course not all is “perfect perfect” now, we are in such a happier place. We too had no idea the hard turns we would have to go through to get us to today.

So yes, the physical number on the scale today isn't the number on the scale that morning back in June 2018. My arms and abs aren’t as defined, my legs and butt aren’t as toned… But this morning as I spent the time putting paper and embellishments to all those photos, all holding those moments and memories - it allowed me the time to look beyond that specific “click” in time.

Am I supposed to use this moment to shame myself into eating better and exercising more? Am I supposed to use this moment to try extend myself grace and give myself permission to (for the five-hundredth millionth time) just accept and love myself for the who I am right now?

I don’t know, I honestly don’t know what I will do with these current feelings and emotions within me, all stemming from a look into the eyes of a younger, different, yet the same, me.

Yes, in that moment I was happy, and skinnier, and probably making healthier decisions with the food I ate… but the glitter and sparkle and joy captured thirty-seconds after finishing a bucket list half marathon race that started and ended in a covered bridge of all things great and glorious… was not in fact the total snapshot of my life at that moment.

How easy it is to forget the whole picture, the rest of the story, the real reality beyond that which catch us off guard as we are struck by those few vivid and great moments that come back to us, either from a photograph, or a memory, or a dream, or even a food or smell that sparks something magic in our minds.

How easy it is to just stop there and sit on it. To compare, wallow, be upset, frustrated, and disappointed. To replay all the mental tapes of not good enough yet again.

Heck no, that weekend and time surrounding the glow of that moment caught on that photo wasn’t really all that great at all. So why would my mind latch on to that photo and give it the power to take my breath away and cause a flood of emotions and unworthiness to come over me?

Life isn’t just those single snapshots of stopped time.

Life is the entire journey that is happening all around those snapshots of stopped time. It’s the ups and downs, goods and bads, happy and sads, celebrations and sorrows… all woven together, independent strands within the full tapestry.

It’s just all sometimes a little tricky to figure out how to truly see and honestly handle the chasms, and pockets, and tunnels, and dark hiding spots within our minds eye.

How do we see with clarity looking backwards, and how to do we see with truth looking forwards? So much of it is an optical illusion of smoke and mirrors, just trying to trick us, and fool us, and trip us up… which is exactly what the devil is twisting his hands with and trying to manipulate us with. And logically, we know it... we do, we know our mind is trying to hyjack us... and yet it still so quickly and so easily happens.  In the blink of an eye.

"Breath deep" is the phrase the Lord has whispering in mind right now as I’m writing this. Heaven knows I obviously do not have all the answers to any of this, and I will forever struggle with self image and being enough. 

And while a part of me is still struggling with the inner critic and judgements, I find myself so grateful I didn’t stop this morning and just walk away, grateful that I owned those moments and memories and spent the time to allow myself to see and process more clearly the whole of that moment, and feel gratitude in the continuation I see now, but couldn’t then. 

No, I am not that same girl as the one that stood on that finish line that day.  I'm two and a half years older, two and a half more years of life and circumstance happened since then and now.  In reality, I do have to attempt to ask myself, am I really that much "worse" ? This I also don't know the answer to right now.  Just because my weight and BMI is perhaps higher, and my running pace slower, does that emphatically define me as being in a "worse" place in life now compared to then?  And actually, it's been a year since the last time I have gotten myself on my scale, so I'm not sure how factual the facts are and how made up these facts may actually be within my mind.

Perhaps I'm simply in a "different" place?  I'm still running and moving and pushing my body regularly.  I'm still trying to be concious of my health.  I'm still trying to be true, authentic, kind, honest, and real.  Those core values of mine have not changed, and really - isn't that more important than that damn number on the scale?

"Breath deep my child. Know that I created you as enough, even though you cannot seem to fully grasp this concept. You are the whole tapestry, not just the individual snapshot threads of your overall journey. You are all of it… the full, vast, bright spectrum of colors and shapes as seen from a distance, all together, all at once. Be brave, be proud, be enough." ~Jesus, your Lord and Savior.

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I've Stopped...

I’ve stopped listening to podcasts, I’ve stopped reading self-help and motivational books, and I’ve stopped going on FB to just randomly scroll… at least for now anyway. I’m sure this will probably change over time, but for now… I just can’t.

I no longer have the capacity to really let anything more in.

Right now life is hard, and frankly it just sucks all the way around. There’s covid-19, rampant forest fires, presidential and political adds, debates, and general crap everywhere. No one is happy, no one is getting along, no one is healthy physically, let alone mentally.

Honestly it’s just really too much for me if I attempt to process is on a finite scale.

I found myself trying to make myself listen to the daily podcasts in my social wellness group, and then on to my once favorite running podcasts, and I was left… just feeling lost, empty, broken… less than. And well, I was feeling very “/ lost / empty / broken / less than” before I even started listening, so what good was any of it possibly doing me?

The last thing that I need right now is more feeling of inadequacy and not enough. What I assumed was supposed to be making me better, stronger, faster – was in fact just dragging me further and further down.

The bodies, the muscles, the mile paces, the distance times, the business successes, the money, the positivity, the home remodels, the DIY covid projects, the all-together all-the-time, the homeschooling, the beautiful and clean homes and living / working spaces, the tidy lives, the happy children, the romantic spouses. Ugh.

My house is a mess, my life is a mess, my body is a mess, and Lord knows… my mental health is a mess.

I stopped listening to all of it, and really to background music all together, I don't even have the radio on in the car.  On rare occassion I will listen to some classical piano by Michele McLaughlin. I quit Melissa Radke and Mel Robbins Live's months ago, and I can’t even Rachel Hollis, Glennon Doyle, and Jen Hatmaker right now #justNO.

I stopped reading self help and started reading fiction. I have read the entire Twilight Saga since July and have thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m currently reading another Stephanie Meyer book, The Chemist, and enjoying it much more than anticipated. I am still watching zero TV. No tv shows, no reality shows, no news, nothing. Ok, except season 2 reruns of What Not To Wear and an occasion Twilight movie (only after having completed reading the book, yeah I’m one of “those” people) while on my treadmill during the really long training days.

Over the last several months I’ve kept my mouth shut, my brain as closed down as possible, and my emotions and feelings flatlined. Survival mode. I quit blogging, I quit trying to think, to process, to reason, to argue with myself, or anyone else for that matter … self preservation mode at its finest. Multi-tasking, once one of my finer talents, not even an option.

I’ve given up all in-person running races. Well, the world and covid basically forced me initially into this, but I am pretty sure that I will continue to only race solo / virtual from now on. Oh, I’m still training and earning the occasional virtual run bling to help support causes close to my heart… but my goals and training is self tailored just for me, merely as a reason to keep myself moving, keep myself motivated, and keep getting myself up every morning to get those miles, muscles, and self sought challenges and goals met.

Over the last eight or nine days, I have slowly felt myself emerging from this current absolute black night of my depth and soul. I feel myself finally being able to look up, raise my head… just a little. I find myself finally able to extend my hand, just ever the slightest to those around me, those close to me, to look, to ask, to try and connect with how they are. And I am finding with everyone’s reply, everyone’s response – we are all in a collective hot mess right now. It’s not just me struggling just to get from one day to the next… it’s everyone. All of us.

I believe the entire world, country, community, town, neighborhood is being rocked to their very cores right now with everything going on in the world.

We are all a mess. We are all hurting. We are all lost. We are all struggling. And this brings out the best in some of us, and it brings out the absolutely worst in some of us. When you mix hot mess with a world full of sickness, and hatred, and fear, and utter ugly… it only makes everything that much worse, snowballing tenfold and quickly enfolding everyone and everything in the midst of its wild free-fall and destruction.

Honestly I think we are all hanging on by a tiny little thread. Many of us thought we were a mess before all this, before 2020 arrived. And now, most of us are just praying for the days when the pre-2020 mess was as bad as what it was.

We are living in a time and reality that no one has ever lived through before. Most feel they are navigating all of this blind, and feeling completely alone. I don’t think people are actually honestly admitting to this, but I just know I cannot be the only one laying on the very bottom of the dark hole I’m in, with my eyes squeezed shut tight, trying to just will away the lost and hurt and broken all around me.

At first, all this lost and alone was almost “novel” and I felt somewhat ok and justified in all the mayhem scouring within me. But then somewhere along the line this summer, everyone seemed to pick themselves back up and go on living, go back to normal. Back to no masks, no social distancing, no overall care or fear of general public safety. The schools started back in full person learning, and suddenly the little safe bubble within my home, was no longer safe. Even if I stayed home, if I wore the masks, if I did the social distancing, if I quarantined…. It no longer was enough. Because now my child was leaving and coming back into my safe bubble every day, and my safe bubble was no longer … my safe bubble.

The day school started it went from not “if” I will get covid, but “when.” And that was a really hard reality for me to come to terms with. Yes, I could have kept him at home, but I really didn’t feel like that was an option or choice. And I’m not writing this to bring up any controversy or access for anyone to come at with me any remarks or judgements. I’m simply stating what I am feeling. I’m not afraid of getting sick or of dying from covid. But you know what, I’ve worked ridiculously hard for my current state of physical health, and someone else being able to take that away from me, I find frustrating.

I don’t want to have anything hurled back at me involving politics, or sickness, or immunizations or anything derogatory. I am merely wanting to ask for, no…beg for, everyone to just choose to be kind. Choose to not spread the hate. Choose to do the next right thing, take the next high road, make the next wise choice.

We are all dealing with some form of mental messiness right now. Some are handling it better than others, some are hiding it better than others, but I am convinced… we are all in various states of hot mess right now, and I just desperately want us all to figure out how to try love better and hate less, how to try see better and ignore less, how to try listen better and assume less, how to try heal better and hurt less.

Oh I have so many things, and yet find myself at an utter loss to find the words to try say anything at all. I’m so far from perfect, and so at a loss as to what to even do next, that I am left here grappling with the reality at hand, and rendered basically mute and helpless.

My heart is aching, my soul is weary, my head is barely wanting to work. I want to remain closed off, shut off, shut down. I don’t want to see, or feel, or hear any more negativity and strife. I want to feel the sunshine and experience the warmth of love, hope, grace, and acceptance. I want health and happiness and simple, quiet peace. And really, why in the world has that become too much to ask for?

Oh come Lord Jesus, oh please come quickly.

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