My Words Do Not Matter

I’ve been staring at this blank page for days. So much to say, and yet nothing. So many emotions and feels right now, and yet… nothing.

The nation elected a president last week and we’re having big conversations in our little home made up of multiracial heritages. As if the adoption struggle of grief, loss and attachment at the core family level isn’t hard enough, we now add the confusion of identity and place within a society and a county where our beautifully tan skinned son is a legal citizen of. I’m also caught up battling and sharing about my weight and my treadmill, on a blog dedicated to sharing about the love and loss of a tiny baby who’s eyes only saw Jesus when they first opened.

And I’m left felling like my words do not matter, and my story is irrelevant.

But that’s actually not true. That’s what is being whispered in my ear. But the pulse within my heart beats something entirely different. God gave me this life, this story, this journey for a reason. And I had decided to share that, in hopes to merely love others well, to share my pain, my shortcomings, my losses and my overcoming victories within a realness that gently tells others they are not alone, they are seen, and their story also matters.

Ultimately, I just want my life to somehow paint God’s light into the darkness.

As I have stumbled along in my journey I have dealt with eating disorders, perfection complexes, divorce, miscarriage, blended home, career changes, infertility, adoption, stillborn loss, and more disappointments than I could have imagined. And yet, through all of those rungs on this ladder of my life, the Lord has continued to be the one at the bottom holding it steady against the wall of His goodness. I’m doing the climbing – one foot slowly in front of the other – but He continues to wake me up each morning for a reason and provide me the next rung. I reach one hand as high above as I can, trying to grab on to the “what’s next,” forcing one hand to always have to hang on through the entire season of that current rung. I continue upward on onward, sometimes wishing it would go faster, sometimes wishing to stay put just a little longer. Always willing myself to trust the lesson and blessing of each season, whether it's visible or felt within that moment or not.

One hand always reaching, one hand always clinging to that which supports me.

The change and shift are always occurring. The growth and risk and are always being presented to me. I know my foundation is firm beneath me as I blindly navigate the unknown beyond me, the next season of my continued journey always on its way.

And my words do matter and my story is relevant, and I need to stop letting society or satan or whoever, tell me otherwise.  I was created for a reason, you were created for a reason.  Our lives and our stories are meant to meet and weave and create vibrance and beauty in this tapestry of life.  So live it - and share it - but most importantly, love it well.

Love yourself... love others... love the journey well...

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The Mountain Still Before Me

It's been a while since I've posted.  Partially because I've been busy, mostly because I have been in a overall state of frustration and bitterness, and for me that's not a great place to write from.  So my fingers have remained quiet.

I was eating healthy.  I was exercising.  I was choosing the salad, the fruit, the veggies, the low fat - not just some of the time, not just most of the time, but EVERY single time, every single day.  And when I would weigh in - nothing.  And then I'd even gained.  And I was struck with that frustrated "So why am I doing this then anyway??"  If I'm choosing and doing all the right stuff and it's not making any difference, then why do it??  Eat the damn chocolate and be done with it.

I simmered in frustration and bitterness for quite a while.  I'm still kinda there, if I'm honest.  I quit exercising.  I quit weighing in.  I quit being so careful what I ate.

My friend came over and I told her I'd quit.  She told me she'd joined Weight Watchers. (This is exactly why you need a friend to hold your hand during all this - she isn't going to let me quit.)

Well, I had promised myself that I would not pay money to lose weight (beyond the higher cost of purchasing healthier food at the store).  No gym membership (I own a treadmill for cry'n out loud - just get on it!).  No fad plan membership or special food / pills / shakes / supplements.  No magic pink drink Fridays.  Hey, I'm not saying anything personal against any of those businesses, I just personally do not have the cash in my wallet to be able to even consider it.

My friend has done Weight Watchers in the past.  It's her go-to, it's what she does, and has worked for her before.  I've done "low fat" and I've done Medifast in the past that have worked for me.  The "low fat" was obviously not currently working.  I eyed the dusty box of left over Medifast meals every time I got in my van in the garage.

I went to the chiropractor and started working on the pain in my feet and back and knee.  I got back on the treadmill.  There is no half-marathon in my near future, but there is a continual nudge to want to tackle that bucket list item once-and-for-all.

I finally caved and started the Medifast meals.  I'd forgotten how horrible it all tasted.  I'd forgotten how much I missed dairy and fruit.  I did some online reading on Weight Watchers.  They meet on Wednesday nights - I work on Wednesday nights, and I'm not even sure if they meet in the town I live.  Their membership fees aren't even in my realm of being able to consider.  Their points system intrigued me though.  Something different, but possibly something doable.  It looked complexly easy.

So here's where I currently stand.  I'm using up my old Medifast meals (from four years ago) and I've ordered a set of basic PointsPlus Weight Watchers books off eBay that have a basic list all the foods and points.  When they arrive, I will take a closer look and perhaps give it a try (on my own, not via a full membership... I'm not sure if that's something a person is supposed to publicly admit to or not, but I just did ~ please don't hunt me down Weight Watchers police!)

In the meantime, I did force myself to weigh today.  By gosh by golly, I was down 2.4 pounds.  I'm still frustrated, I'm not pleased with how I'm doing or how it's going, and I'm discouraged. But even the smallest of negative number is better than a plus number on that scale.

Today's small victory in the face of the mountain still before me.

{ next weight journey update HERE }

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