The Gift We Were Given Five Years Ago

The world is in some strange, desperate, and scary times right now.

Much of the world is holed up in their homes as a pandemic virus spreads rampant from one continent to the next. It’s all that’s on the news, in the headlines, in our social media feeds, in our minds.

Many are working from home, attempting to school their kiddos from home, rationing their toilet paper and hand sanitizer and figuring out their “new normals,” whatever in the world that might be. Some have lost their jobs or are simply unable to go in to work right now. The economy is in absolute upheaval, and no one is quite sure what updates and changes will be coming to us as each hour and day passes.

Two and a half weeks ago my hubby and I made a last minute decision to head out of town for the weekend. We went many of the same places we went to five years prior; the drive, the hunting show, the covered bridge… And it was surreal to me how that five years felt like an odd mix of nearly a lifetime ago, and nearly yesterday, all at the same time.

Five years ago right now I was pregnant with a little girl, who we would find out had Trisomy 18 and would never get to come home with us. I’m sure this is devastating news for any parent… but at the age of forty, with nearly two decades of infertility behind me… I was beyond devastated with this unexpected “gift” God chose to “bless” us with.

Five years ago I was sick, really sick. I was basically on bed rest, living in a nightmare in which only a very very small handful of people were even aware of. How in the world do you tell the world that you are pregnant, at the age of 40, with a baby you knew from the very beginning was not actually going to become a living, breathing, addition to your lives and your family? Well I couldn’t, and we didn’t… we staggered and stumbled and blindly attempted to pull each other along during those hours, days, and months.

Five years ago I was in my house, not leaving unless absolutely required. Oddly similar to present day. Five years ago I was living in fear, uncertainty, desperation, depression, uncontrollable crazy. Again, oddly similar to present day.

And I’m not sure if that is making living and surviving within this current crisis easier, or harder.

The part of me that is getting sucked back into those hard and vivid memories are finding these days at home, away from others, listening to the crazy in my head, perhaps even more hard to continue to battle forward through. At times it’s all just almost too much for me, the overwhelm almost debilitating. But… there is also the part of me that remembers and actually feels God’s provision and strength and faithfulness through all of that five years ago, and that brings me some moments of comfort and peace.

I don’t know about everyone else, but I know right now I am on one hell of a rollercoaster ride. A ride that is barreling out of control and ricocheting off the four walls of this home I am imprisoned in.

Actually, I have to take that back, I do not feel at all imprisoned here. I am a very happy introvert that is more than ok with not having to leave my house. Granted this is not something I was expecting, and not something I’m at all in control of, but overall I am not overly bothered that I have basically not left my house for two weeks. I am however struggling with adding homeschooling on to my full time job, but… I am choosing to try see the blessing in it, choosing to do the best that I can in the unexpected gift of time we have all been handed right now.

And here I am… on the eve of that “day” yet once again … that day when everything stopped for just a few minutes. That day when everything fell apart, when all the stars did not align. That day when Heaven’s tears rained down and hell's gates seemed to swallow me whole.

That day when part of me died, but that day when the Lord also graciously allowed me to live.

I know we were given this journey for a reason. I know, for whatever reason, Faith MaryJo’s life was given to her only to be left as her legacy. And I know, that no matter how hard, or how sad, or how crappy it can all be some days… that this journey is honestly a gift, just not the gift we are used to getting all tied up with frilly bows and sparkly wrapping paper.

Over the passing of the last five years, I have come to know that this is the true kind of gift that was given for the sole purpose to keep on giving. This is the kind of gift that really isn’t a celebration, a party, a magical moment forever etched in time, but it is the gift that allows a very hard story to be told, to be shared, to also be forever etched in time, just like the name and date that is etched into her black granite tombstone on the other end of town.

It’s the gift that has allowed me to be able to see differently, feel differently, act differently, love differently. It has given me the eyes and heart to see and feel and know the need of the importance of entering in and walking alongside others, of allowing others to enter in and walk alongside me… of offering help and of receiving help.

And yes, as awesome and positive as all of this sounds, and in reality it “is”… this gift is also the membership to a club that I never asked to join. This was not my choice, this was not in my control, this was not the path I wanted my life to have to travel down. We can say all the right things, and put ourselves all back together on the outside, but of course the inner reality is…

It’s hard… it’s really, really hard.

And yet, for whatever reason, it is, in fact, the card we have been given, the path we were meant to journey. And if you believe in a Big God, in a Big Heaven, then at some point (or at least on most days) you have to attempt to give up the fight and simply open your hands and try openly give of the "blessings" from that which was taken away from you.

Granted some days are much easier than others. Some seasons and months are just harder than others. March is hard for me during a normal year, and especially hard this year. But here we are… time has continued to tick and tomorrow we will wake and we will both celebrate and grieve the birth day of our daughter, Faith MaryJo.

There will be smiles, there will be tears. There will be grief, there will be reflection, and there might be a few miles run in her memory (and maybe even be a little cake served in her honor). It will again be just us tomorrow, just our tiny little family, in this tiny little house, on this big big journey together. 

{ Previous Post What Day of the Week Is It? HERE }

What Day of the Week Is It?

I’ve been an introvert walking around in a bit of a daze this past week, processing all of this, all of the things, dipping between really low lows and, rising again to somewhat higher levels of “normalcy” while dealing with the moment-by-moment doses of fear and frustration, disappointment and distress, calmness and angst.

It seems there is just so much extreme going on inside me. It’s far to the left, or far to the right, and the going back and forth between the two is like riding on those rides, or going over those intersections when your stomach falls out because the drip or lift is faster than the body can reasonably absorb.

Back and forth. Up and down. Absolutely all over the place.

I, a very happy introvert, personally have no problems what-so-ever not leaving my house. I do however have mixed emotions over the hubs who is still going out and working every day. On one side I’m so grateful he’s still able to work, able to provide income and stability amid these financial fears, but he is still going out, and I feel he does not take the brevity of this seriously enough. He is a two-man, self-employed construction company, so I believe he is able to work with under ten people, but he seems a little unaware as to what is going on inside this house while he’s gone, and entirely oblivious to the overall global situation. I admit I am feeling unseen, unappreciated, and becoming bitter for what I feel I am all doing right now inside the walls of this house. Granted this is probably simply all my own issues inside my own selfish mind, but it is the truth for me in what I am feeling, especially as I feel I am almost ridiculed when asking him to simply wash his hands good when he returns from work at the end of the day. There hasn’t been a thank you, an acknowledgment to what I am all attempting to do and keep afloat right now. I’m working full time, trying to still get all the bills paid, all the life details covered, add on homeschooling and intentionally trying to be what everyone needs from me right now. I’m drowning with all the things, all the unknowns, all the overloads, all the stresses… without a thank you, without a how are you doing, without a what can I do to help.  Now of course on the flip side, I'm sure there's the same argument from him that I'm also not seeing him, thanking him, helping him during his time of stress either.  As they say, these are those moments that make us or break us, and I know I need to somehow figure out how to get past it all.  I'm fairly certain we are not the only couple in this situation right now.

But I have friends who are required to still go into work at their hospital and production jobs, who are fully dependent on their incomes, who don’t have a work from home option, who can continue working only as long as they are not exposed and need to self quarantine. I have friends who are high risk and cannot risk getting sick.  We have all of us at home staying in, trying to not spread anything more, and we have those who must go out, who are desperately needing us to stay home as to not spread and infect. 

I have friends in healthcare, on the front lines, wishing to be home with their families but aren’t able to, because they are needed to stay to help care for the sick, and prepare for the masses still to come.

I have a brother who is a chiropractor in KY and was forced by the state to close his practice yesterday by 5:00pm. Their income, their patients… all suddenly just cut off.

And yet… as I scroll through social media, as I look out my window to the road and all the passing cars, I see so many are still out and about, still shopping, still eating out, still socializing. Personally, I just don’t get it. Our single job as a country right now is basically to stay home and watch TV - and by God, we can’t even get that right.

Yesterday I was thinking about to how I used to be a full time cake decorator from home, and this season we’re going into was always huge for me, my whole year would hinge on the extra income and hours I would put in during Easter, Mother’s Day, graduation, and spring and summer weddings. While there are days I do miss being my own boss, I find myself just breathing in a huge breath of gratefulness as I reflected on it. Times are scary right now, futures unknown, and I know this would have been unbelievably hard on my business and our tight income. I’m grateful for that whisper from God to apply for the church job seven years ago and slowly transition back into the work world, and then grateful again for that whisper two years ago to apply for the art admin job I’m currently in. I am grateful to myself for finally allowing myself to hear, to actually listen, and daring to step forward obediently when I heard those whispers along the way of my career journey. God was paving this path for me long ago, He simply was asking me to listen and faithfully obey.

And that church job … yeah, I don’t know how many times I have breathed the thoughts of how grateful I am that I am not working at the church right now. Oh yes, I loved my time there and have no doubt it was exactly where I was supposed to be at the exact time that God had me there, but boy am I also grateful that there was another whisper allowing me to move on to my current job, even if it does leave me as low man on the totem pole and ultimately the first one that will be let go if it comes to that.  I have peace right now knowing I am where I am supposed to be, whatever may happen.

I am so grateful for Staples and the way they are allowing us to work from home and be with our families and supporting us fully right now. Although, like everything else, this is a two sided emotion as well. One side of our business can’t keep up as they try to supply and fulfill much needed orders for medical supplies, hand sanitizers, paper products to both the general population and more importantly, to those on the front lines in dire need of the product. On the flip side is my side of the business, the promotional side that provides product for companies for their large events, events that are now being canceled, and product coming from oversees to be decorated that are not arriving in time to meet the in hands dates of those orders that haven’t been canceled, and now asking our production facilities to continue to go in to work during these times the rest of the world is all being asked to stay home.

I've thinking about my running and working out, also two extremes within me right now. I had a great workout routine and rocked through February with twenty-nine days of perfect nutrition, water and workouts. And then came March with a birthday, an anniversary, followed immediately by all of this and #lawdhavemercy I am an emotional eating mess right now. Thank the Lord that food is my addition and not anything else. While I’m disappointed and frustrated with myself right now, I am also beyond grateful to be part of a great tribe of online #wonderwomen who are for sure digging in deep together right now. We’re all struggling to find our footing, find our mindsets, find our direction. I love and appreciate their honesty, support, and encouragement right now. I am so grateful for the home workouts I can continue without any worry of public gyms with their people and closings.

While I’m all about a great virtual race and do a lot of them, there is something about signing up and planning to join thousands of others, corralled shoulder to shoulder at a starting line and running within the masses for miles and miles in the fresh air outside at a large in-person race. The virtual race options in my emails have tripled over the last week, while three large races I was signed up for this spring have already canceled, and I’m expecting at least two more will also cancel. So I message my friends who were going along, call the hotels, and the massage places, and with tears I am canceling our reservations for those weekends. I feel horrible having to call and cancel, knowing they are hurting so much from this as well. The large chain hotels sitting empty, the small massage businesses also sitting empty - everyones full schedules suddenly sitting wide open. The tears are maybe a little from my own disappointment, but mostly just in utter dismay at the overall hit all of this is taking on the economy.

I have always loved and been grateful for the gym I have built over the years in my basement. I am one who really does like to treadmill and workout inside over the winter, but now without any spring outdoor races forcing me back outside, driving me to beat my feet back on the concrete, back out in the cold wind, I find I’m torn between wanting to just continue forward getting up every morning and going on with my training and working out as I have been… with the other side of me thinking, what the hell do I need to get up early for - everything is getting canceled, no on cares, no one is going to see me for another month… stay in bed, numb your fear and disappointment with sleep and social media scrolling.  Make the bars and cookies and high carb deliciousnesses, and then eat it all, who the F cares. Who the F even cares.

We live with a high needs eleven year old who is amazing and great, but one that we have struggled with since day one. I know we aren’t supposed to actually admit these things out loud, but it’s the truth. We’ve dealt with a lot over the last eleven years, grief and loss, reactive attachment, ADHD, physical (but invisible to the eye) brain damage, meds, doctors, specialists, eating issues, therapy, testing, anger, rage, school issues, behavior issues, etc, etc. The thought of being home 24/7 for four straight weeks is a definite stress point within me, I cannot lie.

And yet, week one was very surprising to me. The child who spats “you’re the worst mom ever” nearly every day, has not ventured farther than about three feet from me all week, by his choice, not mine. I know the stakes are super high right now, and I have done everything possible to do this “right.” I of course realize there is no “right or wrong” - there is only “right now” in this present moment. There is only what “right thing” do I need to do for him “right now”.

He has been a trooper and doing great so far. He has stuck close by and I have made sure to support and listen and encourage and remain positive. Not sugar coat, but also not get sucked into the gloom and doom either, which has been hard. I know I need to be more intentional than ever, I know I need to think ahead, stay a step ahead, now more than ever. I know I need to roll with whatever comes my way - I need to stay calm, cool, collected, supportive, positive, happy, fully engaged. I need to be the mom who’s safe, the friend who’s fun, the solid rock standing strong amid this storm of life raging all around. I realize this whole honeymoon phase will probably end, but until then, I am simply beyond grateful for this time together.

The social media world is out of control right now. I’m not sure how long to be on, how long to be off, how much to share, how much to not share. Do I keep posting my Today’s Mug selfies … my workout / running #gettnRdone selfies, my “working hard” and “momming hard” selfies… Will I post too much, too little, and who even cares on a normal day, let alone now?!?!

Overall this first week I have tried to limit my time scrolling, I know I’m still online more than I should be (and Lord knows need to be), but when my heart starts racing in my chest, when my mind starts zooming around here and there and everywhere, when the comments and posts are getting too out of hand, too negative, too frightening, I know I need to shut it down and walk away. Do my work, pour into my kiddo, check the state of my own soul. I have turned my phone ringer off when I’m not logged in for work. I pick it up regularly and check messages, but I’m not allowing myself to hear every social media comment, and like, and interaction. I’m not listening for every text and email filling my inbox, at least not until it’s a time of my choosing. For now I am still getting up early and working out.  I am still doing my hair and makeup, putting on regular work / weekend clothes and of course earrings.  I didn't watch any tv before, and haven't given in to starting to now. Again, I realize this whole honeymoon phase may come to an abrupt end, and even the happiest of introverts might still reach her breaking point of sanity.

So, basically, yup, I’m a hot mess. Story of my ever lovin' life. But hey, we all are a hot mess right now. I’m fully caught in the middle of this immensely swinging pendulum of craziness and world terror. I’m personally more than fine being home all day every day, and yet the added responsibilities and currently reality is also almost more than I can bare. Watching my son close his school laptop after a zoom call with his teacher and class as starting to cry because he misses school and his friends, is ripping my heart in half.  I’m a mix of completely calm, just in my element and completely settling in, and that of a runaway freight train inside my mind. The emotions mixed between all that I’m doing and dealing with inside the four walls of my own house, with my own family, and that of the rest of the world, many whom are choosing not to follow the current social distancing requests by the government, is just one big rollercoaster of allover emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

I’m not personally afraid of getting sick. I’m relatively healthy right now and that doesn’t overly worry me. But, I do not want to have any part of spreading it to anyone else, especially the elderly, the sick, the littles, the entire healthcare profession, all those dependent on getting to go to their jobs and not having to end up self quarantine because someones daughters friend that was at your house for supper twelve days ago has a mother who has now been tested positive.

Yeah, all the memes are funny, and so many are so true… but right now I just really want to do this right. I want to do my part in not spreading the physical illness of this pandemic, but I also want to do my part in not spreading the mental negativity, panic, and hatred that is also such a huge part of this pandemic.

I want to take this time at home and love my family well, love myself well, figure out how to make these moments now be positive and healthy memories in the future. As someone said that I loved - in seven years from now when facebook memories pops up with some of these photos and posts we are all currently posting, what kind of memories and feelings is that going to bring back for you? I don’t want to scar my children, my family, my friends, my society with a negative outlook and lack of willingness to do the right thing by staying isolated even when it’s not ideal, and in reality, really hard.

I want this to somehow make me stronger, make my family stronger, make my faith stronger, make all my relationships stronger than what they were last week when I was still ignorantly taking life for granted.

Five years ago right now I was sick, pregnant, on bedrest, and had no idea what the next day was going to bring me.  I was carrying a daughter who had Trisomy 18 and would die before we would ever get to bring her home. My life was a mess, everything was so hard to process, and the future was beyond unknown. I was scared to death I was going to die during childbirth (as I almost had sixteen years early during a miscarriage hemorrhage) and I had no idea how to plan anything going forward because it was all just … unknown. It’s been hard for me living through the months of November through March every year since as I go back in time and remember all of those emotions, those fears, that sadness.

And yet here I am back in my house, filled with so many fears and unknowns and no way of knowing what to think or plan for the days and months ahead of us. Part of me finds utter peace and calmness now as I think back and know that God was there all along for us five years ago, knowing He will be there again now, without a doubt. But I think it also compounds my memories and aches and deep heartache even more this year as our current reality is again mirroring, in a way, all that we walked through five years ago.

Next week Friday will be the five year anniversary of the birth date of our dear Faith MaryJo. I had asked to work from home that day (as I had last year) as the thought of having to “people” was overwhelming to me… and I guess that request has been more than granted. I will get to go through all of the next few weeks without having to “people.” I know it’s going to be a lot to process and go through again, but I am grateful that I do carry the insight of the “afterwards” as well to help remind me of God's faithfulness, His goodness amid the sorrow, and His hope amid the calamity.

How do we find the needed grace for ourselves, for our families, for our jobs, for our society all around us amid the also needed stamina to continue forwards boldly and strongly in this time of unknown and fear? How do we stay home, stay strong, stay committed to all the things, while also giving away the control of many more things than we ever thought we’d have to?  How do we get the message across the importance for everyone to follow the social distancing request we are all in right now? 

We need to stay home, be smart, and love others well in this time of upheaval. The sooner everyone starts to comply, the sooner hopefully all of this will be over. For the ones sitting in our homes doing all the things, it’s getting a little hard, a little emotional, a little frustrating watching all of those who aren’t.

Don’t spread the hate, don’t shout the gloom and doom, and don’t hoard all the groceries and necessities.  Share, share, share and simply trust God’s provision, and believe in the goodness of others who will share with you if Heaven forbid we do run out of something we “need.”

Please … stop going out if you absolutely do not need to. Whether you think this is all just silly and stupid or whatever, just suck it up and do it. Honor and respect all of us who are following the requests and guidelines, do your part in helping lower the curve of spreading this physical and mental illness. Think beyond yourselves and think about the elderly, the young, the pregnant, the immune compromised, the ones that are due to get much more sick and possibly die if they were to catch this virus. Just because you’re healthy and not worried about getting sick, this isn’t really about you right now.

And yes, I realize staying home doesn’t mean going out to eat or going shopping, and trying not to be hypocritical here, please, if at all possible try find a way to also help support your local small businesses that are trying to offer alternate ways to still safely provide their food and their product and their services to you.

This is the current reality for all of us. All of us.
Let me repeat one more time… all of us.

Take full advantage of this "as such a time as this" moment that we will hopefully never ever have to be granted again.

Please choose to love well, so we can all live long.

Previous Blog Post { Heartbeats and Heaviness} HERE