** 2017 - Less
** 2018 - Contentment
** 2019 - Just Be
As I went back and re-read all of these, I realized that I am like so many, starting the year out with great intentions, and then kind of losing steam, losing focus as the days, weeks, month, continue to pass by.
I'm not saying that I failed each year miserably, but I think I could have done a better job staying on task and forward moving with each theme every year. I could have spent more time throughout the middle of year going back to those words / themes and doing a better job keeping them front and center in my day to day living.
A few of my friends have started talking about their quest to find their 2020 word, some already have it and some are still marinating on it. As much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that the majority of my "ahh-haa" moments have come to me in our bathroom. I'm not sure why, but I think it's just a place where I have my guard down, the crazy of my brain either hasn't quite started full gear for the day, I'm physically and mentally exhausted as I finish up some workout, or it's the end of the day and my brain has checked out for the day. And interestingly enough, it seems in those moments are the times I can most clearly hear the whispers from within, the ethereal presence of God at work.
So it's to no surprise that after spending some time wondering what I'm needing to focus on this year, I found myself the other morning in the bathroom, finishing getting ready, and picking up my glasses from the counter to put them on.
And I looked down at them in my hands, and the image and thought span latched on to the 20/20 vision conotation. We all can see our best when our eyes are at a perfect focus of 20/20 vision. And just like that I heard the words...
Keep the focus in 2020.
Find the focus. Get focused. Stay focused. Keep the focus.
And well, that was that. It is actually quite perfect for the current state I'm stumbling around in.
I've spent much of my life lost... Lost and looking. Lost and seeking. Lost and trying to find myself. I'm also in this really hard phase of "maintaining" in my health and dieting and nutrition right now, all of 2019 actually. All my life I've been the one who's on either extreme of the pendulum. Either way to the right (heavy) or way to the left (not heavy). I am very very bad at anything in-between. I can gain, and I can lose - but that maintaining thing ... ohhhhhh, yeah that's hard for me.
It's been three years since I started my health and wellness journey, trying to heal inside and out and rewiring how my brain and body functioned. It's been long and hard, and while I initially found myself at a point of great successes and the joy and highs and amazement of new accomplishments... I have been struggling and battling since as I try to just somehow maintain and figure out what that "normal" needs to be for me.
I'm not one that can eat just one cookie. I eat the whole batch, or the whole package. I'm not one that can eat just one chip, or one cracker, or one bowl of cereal. It's quickly the whole bag, the whole box, and it's all gone. I can get on a roll and steer clear entirely, but the thing with maintenance is ... figuring out how to just eat that one cookie. How to just run just that one mile (and not nine more).
I need to continue to focus on that delicate life balance that I really struggle with. I need to focus on the whole picture - the whole mind and body, not just the number on the scale, or the number of points eaten, the number of calories burned, or the number of days it's been since we lost our daughter.
I need to figure out what is currently out of focus, what is skewed and blurred and just not quite where it needs to be. And then I need to start asking the questions... not just the general questions, but the specific questions of "Is A clearer than B?" "Is B clearer than C?" "Is 1 better than 2?" "Is 2 better than 3..." And then taking each little incriment and moving, tweaking, changing as needed. Some might need major adjustments, some only a little.
I find it funny how in my life I always seem to not be able to do everything all the time. And what I mean by that is like... If I've got myself doing great on exercising and water intake each day - then I'm never quite so good on my food choices. If I'm doing great on my hours of sleep and rest each day - then I'm never doing great on my exercise. If I'm doing good at the exercise, water, and sleep - then I'm skipping my devotions, I'm not brushing my teeth before bed, I'm not making great meals for me or my family... You get the picture, right? It's like every day the perfect list includes: Exercise, water intake, only eating healthy food choices, taking all the vitamins, helping (with full patience and loving understanding) with all the homework, school, band instruments, work, marriage, and mom related things. It's getting all the laundry done, and the house picked up, and the meal on the table, and the dog to the vet, and teeth brushed twice a day (mine and everyone else's - oh, and with the spin brush that the dentist recommended but gives me a headache and of course also floss and mouthwash), and the hair washed, and the shoe strings untied every single time you take your shoes off. It's putting all the clothes away as soon as you change them, it's putting everything away as soon as you're done with it. It's texting, messaging, encouraging all the people while not being late to work and getting the school lunch packed and the lunch money needed in the account for tomorrow in the folder with the child carrying todays lunch, so he can also eat tomorrow. It's getting everyone where they need to be and picked back up without being late. It's sitting on the bleachers with the excited smile of encouragement at every single sporting, school, and extra circular event. Oh and self care! We mustn't forget devotions, personal development, quiet time, prayer, reflection, silence, yoga, journaling...
I could go on (and on and on and on...) but I won't.
I can do some things well for a while, at the expense of letting other things fall behind. And then the other things that have fallen behind have to become the things I do well at for a while, while the earlier things I was able to do good at then fall behind. Vicious cycle (for me anyway). I just can't do all the things I know I should be doing every single minute of every single day. And I (and "we" as an entire society) need to figure out how to honestly be ok with that, and not fall victum to the social media induced guilt flung at us from every single gosh darn direction.
So, by choosing the word focus for 2020, does not mean I'm intending to have a 20/20 focus on perfection every single day - the doing everything, every single day, for everyone (myself included).
No, I'm merely knowing that I need to figure out what things need to be changed, or realigned, or worked on to help my life run with better clarity and help me continue forward in a more clear and focused path.
Finding the middle, finding the give and take, finding the grace to walk away or the courage to take it on... Keeping the steady focus on the stable horizon before me as I navigate the jungle of wild chaos all around me.
{ Previous blog post "Crane Clan Christmas Letter 2019" HERE }
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