I will wash off the sweat from the me that just pushed through four half marathon training miles immediately followed by a thirty-five minute intense workout video. I will close the shower door and emerge clean, looking over at the clothes laid out and wonder if they will still fit. The fancy cloths, the dress up clothes, the real clothes... the ones that don’t contain spandex and lycra and are guaranteed to fit and be comfortable no matter what size or number is on the scale.
I will dress-up, and fancy-up, to face the brutality of the day ahead, to greet the world beyond my own tiny, personal, silent, little bubble. Switching gears from introvert, to extrovert.
I wonder what kind of mood the boy will wake up in today. What kind of crazy battle I’ll have to endure to get from this moment to the next moment when I clock in at work. I wonder what kind of day it will be at work and what kind of crazy battle it will be to get me to the next moment. The moment I clock out and return to the boy, to the home, to the to do list at home. Oh that damn to do list. The homework, the meals, the laundry, the cleaning, the bedtimes, the bills, the adulting.
Some days it’s all just too much and I just want to get in my car and drive away. Flee. Disappear. Never come back. Ever.
And then I hear that damn whisper of guilt and shame at how good I have it, how blessed I am, how selfish I am. I have running water. I have food in my cupboard. I have milk in my fridge. I have heat and air-conditioning and a roof over my head. I have two vehicles in the garage attached to my house. I have a husband and a family. I have a full time job, I have insurance, I have friends, I have family surrounding me, most within a five mile radius. I have a camper with two bathrooms, four beds, four tvs, a fireplace, and ceiling fan in it for crying out loud. How could I possibly not be just giddy with overflowing abundant joy every single second of my life?!?
I have no reason to be the drama queen my head is screaming at me to be from within. And yet… I find myself utterly exhausted and hanging on with broken fingernails at the very very end of my rope some days. Yesterday was one of those days… and today might very well be following in its footsteps, I don’t even know yet. It’s 6:30am, I’ve been up and at it for three hours, and to be honest, I am just dreading having to wake up the boy and face the rest of this day today.
I don’t want to do that other me today. I don’t want to... I want to be tired, and lazy, and selfish. I want help, I want rest, I want to be thanked. I don’t want to have to be angry or hollering to be seen in this house.
I want easy, I want rest, I want harmony, I want someone else to come in and take care of all my stuff… and I want them to do it to my standards, if not higher. Basically, I guess I just want it all and I don’t want to have to do anything to get it, have it, keep it, maintain it. That’s surely not too much to ask for is it?!?
I’m battling a half marathon mind game that is wearing on me. The tired side of me is telling me it’s ok to go in half hearted, half trained, go slow, tank it, and just get it done. And there’s another side throwing her hands up in disgust at me telling me of course I’m capable of running it in a sub two and I’m going to be a huge loser and disappointment if I don’t finally reach that goal in two weeks.
I’m battling a hefty mileage goal I set for the year that is also starting to take it’s toll on my mind and body. I’m battling those darn perfectism tendencies that keep hanging on for dear life around my ankles. I’m battling grasping a life's reality that is not what I ever imagined it to be. I’m not even sure what reality I actually even thought I would have in my life, but I guarantee this was not it. (On a good day of course I will tell you it's far better than I'd ever hoped or wished for, but on the occasional bad day it's more-or-less just an all out Calgon Take Me Away mentality.)
Disappointment, heartache, exhaustion, overbooked, over extension, unattainable expectations, unknown destinations … all things that I have again allowed to cloud my sunshine, dull my sparkle, halt my momentum momentarily.
As much as I don’t want to do that “other me” today, I will climb in the shower, I will wash off the hard work from the previous miles and minutes of work. I will dry off and dress up and face the day. I will tackle the morning battles, I will clock in at work, I will give my everything to my day job. I will clock out, come back home and tackle it all yet again. One more morning. One more day. One more night.
One more… and then one more… and then one more… Some of those one more’s will be fantastic, some will be far from. Some will be easy, some not so much. Some will be memorable, some I will surely want to forever forget.
Our one more days will continue to come every single day that God chooses to wake us up and give us life and breath. Breathe in deep and find the grateful, find the grace, find the Lord have mercy on my soul ~ come on girlfriend you got this!
Each day is a gift, whether we feel it or not, whether we want to get up and do it or not. Each day is a new day to make a difference… make a difference in our own lives and the lives of others, in the “pushing for ourselves” us and in the “pushing for others” us. Whether we think it or not, whether we feel it or not, whether we own it or not... it does matter, yes... our days do matter. So dig deep, hold on tight and continue onward.... Simply, continue onward...
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