I needed just one day to hide out at home, where I don’t have to talk to anyone (except myself), I don’t have to prepare any food for anyone (except myself), I don't have to argue with anyone, I don't have to be yelled at, sassed back at, eyes rolled at, angry words flung at. I don’t have to get anyone up, I don’t have to bring anyone anywhere, wrangle anyone to the shower or put anyone to bed. I don’t have to make breakfast or administer meds and argue with about brushing teeth and making beds and not eating chips for breakfast. I don’t have to people, because frankly sometimes peopling is just plain hard for me.
And today I will take the gift of these precious selfish hours of silence and alone time, and I will fill them with things I enjoy doing in hopes of filing my tank again, just a tiny bit. And as I promised, I will pack myself up and head to the lake after twenty four hours at home and re-enter the world of reality and responsibility… but hopefully I'll arrive filled with a little more grace, a little more peace, a little more happiness, and a lot more hope in my tomorrow.
{ Previous blog "First Day of the 2nd Half of the Year" HERE }
I need a day to do the things that fill me, that I enjoy, that bring me joy. I stayed up late (you know 10pm) I slept in (7:30am, say what?!?! Ms 4am seven days a week). I ran during daylight, in the sunshine, on one of my favorite running trails that I never get to run on in the 4am darkness. Things are all just so much more beautiful with the sun shining on them aren't they?!? I’m going to blog a little, read a little, drink some coffee, pick raspberries (and not share with anyone), perhaps nap a little, maybe take a bath in the jet tub. I will not turn the tv on and I might turn my phone off entirely. I will mow the lawn and put some laundry away, and I will clean the bathroom. But just the bathroom ~ one room, not the whole house. And I probably am not going to give both dogs a bath like they asked me to, sorry, just not.
These hours today are mine and I intend to fully enjoy them and the gift I know that they are. And I already know they will slip by in the blink of an eye, which makes me sad.
Yup, I cashed in a whole bunch of cards and asked (prayed, begged, pleaded, cried) for a mere twenty four hours at home, by myself, all alone. My husband and ten year old went to the lake last night, and I stayed home. I stayed home, and honestly could not wait to watch them drive away. This is the first Friday night and Saturday that I have been in town since the end of April.
The lake has always been my happy place, my special place, my place of rest and refill and healing. My sanctuary. But last week I came home from the lake broken and empty, so so empty. When the one place that fills you is suddenly leaving you an emotional wreck, it’s time to stop. It’s time to put on the brakes of life and ask the bigger question as to why.
A year ago I was ten pounds lighter and training to run a full marathon. Twenty six point two freaking miles people, and I did it. I completed it. And this morning, I went out and could barely make it to my three mile mark when I went from running to walking for the last three miles. How in the world does life change so much in such a short amount of time?
This summer has just been different for me. I’m at a new job, different hours, different days, and so much to learn. No more Thursday nights and Fridays at the lake with the ten year old this year. And with the job change comes insurance changes and all the time and headache that goes into dealing with that. Prescription issues and pharmacy changes and prior authorization forms. We’ve got medical bills from MRI’s and X-rays from tendons torn in my husbands knee, and an almost broken foot from earlier this summer. I’m trying to drastically cut back on the time I’m on my phone and on social media this summer. I’m not going all gangbusters and disconnecting entirely (although I have completely logged out of snap chat for a while), as I really enjoy social media, but just working on scaling back, be on it less. So if you’ve messaged me and not heard back, my apologies. I have replied in my mind, I just am a little behind on the actual sending of them via my fingers electronically. And if I've missed your birthday or big announcements, I'm sorry... but I just can't right now. We’re struggling with the ten year old and how to best fill his summer days while he’s in this awkward and grumpy stage of not being responsible enough to be home alone but also wanting some independence. The dog isn’t well and now has a hole in her iris and is going blind, and needing more meds and more trips to the vet. I’ve gained back ten pounds of the weight I’d worked so hard to loose and maintain during my health and wellness journey over the last (almost) two years. There’s a lot of tension within the walls of our lives this summer, or at least in my life, I probably shouldn’t speak for the others living with me.
Things are different, and some of the things that were working just aren’t anymore. I’m still getting up every morning and getting my exercise in, I’m still trying really hard to eat healthy and track my points, and yet I’m still creeping right back up on the scale. I’ve plateaued and apparently my heart and soul are not quite as in the game as they once were. And the lake, well the lake hasn’t brought me the joy and rest and recharge that it has in the summer’s past. I still enjoy going there, I still love the sunsets and sunrises and laughter with friends, don’t get me wrong… it’s just, well… it’s just different this summer for me.
How often do we find ourselves going through the motions over and over doing things that once worked, once was the answer, once was making a difference, once was exactly what we needed, even though they no longer are working as well as they once did, are as needed, as useful, as helpful as they once were? But we’re comfortable with them, in a routine with them, familiar with them… so we continue on either oblivious to it, or in denial or avoidance in knowing something needs to change.
I am beginning to realize this is a little where I might be right now. I’ve gotten caught up in the chaos of life, busy surviving the day-to-day tasks involved in being the wife, the mom, the employee and allowed myself to slowly slide back to the shadows again. It’s so easy to do, and it’s the socially expected (and accepted) thing to do. I’ve stopped listening to what I need, what my body needs, what my soul needs. I’ve been emptying faster than I’ve been able to refill, and last week I reached a bit of rock bottom (for the nine hundredth and forty-seven millionth time in my life ~insert eye roll).
It’s nothing new in my life, I’ve spent the majority of my life with an empty tank while I tend to all the needs and details of everything and everyone else, all while I fall victim to the unrealistic expectations and perfectionism whispering away in my mind, leaving me always struggling for validation and never feeling enough.
I listened to the garage door close last night and immediately walked over to the thermostat and bumped it up five degrees, and turned off the ceiling fan that is always whirring on high (it seriously sounds like small helicopter is about to take off in our living room). I’m always cold at work, and I’m always cold (really cold) at my house. The temperature is always a little too cold and the noise volume is always a little too loud. When you share your space with others, it’s a game of compromise and just learning to deal with things not exactly how you wish they’d be. The messy level of my house is over the top unacceptable to me. I find inner peace within the walls of a clean and tidy house. I have long given up on that quest, and am just always in a constant state of utter “weary” and “well whatever.”
I cook, I clean, I mow, I wife, I mom, I laundry, I dishes, I groceries, I errands, I work full time. I’m no one special and I’m not worthy of any special rewards or shout outs. There are a ton of us that do all of these things, and I’m convinced there are a ton of us all feeling lost in this same boat of being overworked and under appreciated. Tiz but a season, yes I know world, yes I know. But I still can’t help but feel a little lost, a lot overwhelmed, and extremely empty at times. Just being honest with you, and with myself.
We wished for this, we chose this, we got swept up and along with this. And by “this” I mean life, all of it. We all started out with a grand hope and dream for our little lives, and on our quest to find and achieve those dreams we put one foot in front of the other, one choice after another and got swept up in the ebb and flow of the good and bad, the happy and sad, the beautiful and the ugly of all the moments and details of the life we are living. We stand today living a life entirely different than that what we once envisioned and hoped for. Life dealt us so many unexpected turns and whammies along the way, and yet we all know it’s still just a beautiful part of God’s journey for all of our lives. We smile and endure to the best of our abilities.
I picked up a new book last night and started it. Grace Not Perfection by Emily Ley. I was met with these words on page 1… “Somewhere along the way, someone told us we weren’t good enough. We weren’t pretty enough, creative enough, crafty enough, or dedicated enough. Social media feeds, blogs, magazines, and other people began to set the standard for us. And they set it high - unreachably high. We mashed together other people’s highlights and best moments and created this standard of perfection we’re all after. Once I reach it, we tell ourselves, I’ll be good enough. I’ll be a good mom, a good friend, a good spouse, a good professional…” She goes on to say “Somewhere between three and twenty-, thirty-, forty something, we lost that joy. And now we’re all trying to find it again. Our grown up circumstances, mortgages, taxes, jobs and social media comparison have sucked the wind right out of our sails and made us all a little bit unhappy inside. And here we are, convinced that getting down to our college weight and maintaining a spotless home sounds like a pretty good way to be unabashedly happy again. The truth is, if we take care of ourselves the same way we’re nurturing everyone else, we’ll find all sorts of joy and be better for everyone we love. I realized I needed to take care of myself or I’d have nothing left to give my little ones. It wasn’t an indulgence or a pat on the back. It was do or die. If my heart was going to keep on going, it was going to need attention. It was time to give myself permission to be a priority again - starting now.”
Bamb. And the Lord spoke. Queue the thunder and lightening please. Wowsa.
Crazy that I would pick up a book that had written in it exactly the words to which I was needing to hear, what I was feeling, struggling with, and needing confirmation on. This was the very reason I was home alone right now, in dire need of a personal day to myself, by myself, for myself. Actually it's not crazy, that's exactly how God works in my life.
On Monday I am also going to be starting something completely new and different for me on the a health and fitness side of things. I’m signed up to run another half marathon in October, but between now and then I am actually going to attempt to embark on something I’ve never done before. I know I need to change it up and juggle it up a little with my diet and exercise. I have no idea how this affect my running, but there is a distinct possibility that I will be taking a season off from running, and who knows, I may never enter this season again. I have mixed feeling about this. Running is hard for me - mentally and physically. Although, I’m fairly certain what’s next is going to be even worse. Maybe not worse, just different. And change is good sometimes, so we shall see. I’m just ready to dive back into myself, dive back into something new and a little different, even through that is also scary and hard. I guess I’m ready to head back to the start line and pick myself back up and start again.
The lake has always been my happy place, my special place, my place of rest and refill and healing. My sanctuary. But last week I came home from the lake broken and empty, so so empty. When the one place that fills you is suddenly leaving you an emotional wreck, it’s time to stop. It’s time to put on the brakes of life and ask the bigger question as to why.
A year ago I was ten pounds lighter and training to run a full marathon. Twenty six point two freaking miles people, and I did it. I completed it. And this morning, I went out and could barely make it to my three mile mark when I went from running to walking for the last three miles. How in the world does life change so much in such a short amount of time?
This summer has just been different for me. I’m at a new job, different hours, different days, and so much to learn. No more Thursday nights and Fridays at the lake with the ten year old this year. And with the job change comes insurance changes and all the time and headache that goes into dealing with that. Prescription issues and pharmacy changes and prior authorization forms. We’ve got medical bills from MRI’s and X-rays from tendons torn in my husbands knee, and an almost broken foot from earlier this summer. I’m trying to drastically cut back on the time I’m on my phone and on social media this summer. I’m not going all gangbusters and disconnecting entirely (although I have completely logged out of snap chat for a while), as I really enjoy social media, but just working on scaling back, be on it less. So if you’ve messaged me and not heard back, my apologies. I have replied in my mind, I just am a little behind on the actual sending of them via my fingers electronically. And if I've missed your birthday or big announcements, I'm sorry... but I just can't right now. We’re struggling with the ten year old and how to best fill his summer days while he’s in this awkward and grumpy stage of not being responsible enough to be home alone but also wanting some independence. The dog isn’t well and now has a hole in her iris and is going blind, and needing more meds and more trips to the vet. I’ve gained back ten pounds of the weight I’d worked so hard to loose and maintain during my health and wellness journey over the last (almost) two years. There’s a lot of tension within the walls of our lives this summer, or at least in my life, I probably shouldn’t speak for the others living with me.
Things are different, and some of the things that were working just aren’t anymore. I’m still getting up every morning and getting my exercise in, I’m still trying really hard to eat healthy and track my points, and yet I’m still creeping right back up on the scale. I’ve plateaued and apparently my heart and soul are not quite as in the game as they once were. And the lake, well the lake hasn’t brought me the joy and rest and recharge that it has in the summer’s past. I still enjoy going there, I still love the sunsets and sunrises and laughter with friends, don’t get me wrong… it’s just, well… it’s just different this summer for me.
How often do we find ourselves going through the motions over and over doing things that once worked, once was the answer, once was making a difference, once was exactly what we needed, even though they no longer are working as well as they once did, are as needed, as useful, as helpful as they once were? But we’re comfortable with them, in a routine with them, familiar with them… so we continue on either oblivious to it, or in denial or avoidance in knowing something needs to change.
I am beginning to realize this is a little where I might be right now. I’ve gotten caught up in the chaos of life, busy surviving the day-to-day tasks involved in being the wife, the mom, the employee and allowed myself to slowly slide back to the shadows again. It’s so easy to do, and it’s the socially expected (and accepted) thing to do. I’ve stopped listening to what I need, what my body needs, what my soul needs. I’ve been emptying faster than I’ve been able to refill, and last week I reached a bit of rock bottom (for the nine hundredth and forty-seven millionth time in my life ~insert eye roll).
It’s nothing new in my life, I’ve spent the majority of my life with an empty tank while I tend to all the needs and details of everything and everyone else, all while I fall victim to the unrealistic expectations and perfectionism whispering away in my mind, leaving me always struggling for validation and never feeling enough.
I listened to the garage door close last night and immediately walked over to the thermostat and bumped it up five degrees, and turned off the ceiling fan that is always whirring on high (it seriously sounds like small helicopter is about to take off in our living room). I’m always cold at work, and I’m always cold (really cold) at my house. The temperature is always a little too cold and the noise volume is always a little too loud. When you share your space with others, it’s a game of compromise and just learning to deal with things not exactly how you wish they’d be. The messy level of my house is over the top unacceptable to me. I find inner peace within the walls of a clean and tidy house. I have long given up on that quest, and am just always in a constant state of utter “weary” and “well whatever.”
I cook, I clean, I mow, I wife, I mom, I laundry, I dishes, I groceries, I errands, I work full time. I’m no one special and I’m not worthy of any special rewards or shout outs. There are a ton of us that do all of these things, and I’m convinced there are a ton of us all feeling lost in this same boat of being overworked and under appreciated. Tiz but a season, yes I know world, yes I know. But I still can’t help but feel a little lost, a lot overwhelmed, and extremely empty at times. Just being honest with you, and with myself.
We wished for this, we chose this, we got swept up and along with this. And by “this” I mean life, all of it. We all started out with a grand hope and dream for our little lives, and on our quest to find and achieve those dreams we put one foot in front of the other, one choice after another and got swept up in the ebb and flow of the good and bad, the happy and sad, the beautiful and the ugly of all the moments and details of the life we are living. We stand today living a life entirely different than that what we once envisioned and hoped for. Life dealt us so many unexpected turns and whammies along the way, and yet we all know it’s still just a beautiful part of God’s journey for all of our lives. We smile and endure to the best of our abilities.
I picked up a new book last night and started it. Grace Not Perfection by Emily Ley. I was met with these words on page 1… “Somewhere along the way, someone told us we weren’t good enough. We weren’t pretty enough, creative enough, crafty enough, or dedicated enough. Social media feeds, blogs, magazines, and other people began to set the standard for us. And they set it high - unreachably high. We mashed together other people’s highlights and best moments and created this standard of perfection we’re all after. Once I reach it, we tell ourselves, I’ll be good enough. I’ll be a good mom, a good friend, a good spouse, a good professional…” She goes on to say “Somewhere between three and twenty-, thirty-, forty something, we lost that joy. And now we’re all trying to find it again. Our grown up circumstances, mortgages, taxes, jobs and social media comparison have sucked the wind right out of our sails and made us all a little bit unhappy inside. And here we are, convinced that getting down to our college weight and maintaining a spotless home sounds like a pretty good way to be unabashedly happy again. The truth is, if we take care of ourselves the same way we’re nurturing everyone else, we’ll find all sorts of joy and be better for everyone we love. I realized I needed to take care of myself or I’d have nothing left to give my little ones. It wasn’t an indulgence or a pat on the back. It was do or die. If my heart was going to keep on going, it was going to need attention. It was time to give myself permission to be a priority again - starting now.”
Bamb. And the Lord spoke. Queue the thunder and lightening please. Wowsa.
Crazy that I would pick up a book that had written in it exactly the words to which I was needing to hear, what I was feeling, struggling with, and needing confirmation on. This was the very reason I was home alone right now, in dire need of a personal day to myself, by myself, for myself. Actually it's not crazy, that's exactly how God works in my life.
On Monday I am also going to be starting something completely new and different for me on the a health and fitness side of things. I’m signed up to run another half marathon in October, but between now and then I am actually going to attempt to embark on something I’ve never done before. I know I need to change it up and juggle it up a little with my diet and exercise. I have no idea how this affect my running, but there is a distinct possibility that I will be taking a season off from running, and who knows, I may never enter this season again. I have mixed feeling about this. Running is hard for me - mentally and physically. Although, I’m fairly certain what’s next is going to be even worse. Maybe not worse, just different. And change is good sometimes, so we shall see. I’m just ready to dive back into myself, dive back into something new and a little different, even through that is also scary and hard. I guess I’m ready to head back to the start line and pick myself back up and start again.
It’s not starting over, it’s simply starting again.
And today I will take the gift of these precious selfish hours of silence and alone time, and I will fill them with things I enjoy doing in hopes of filing my tank again, just a tiny bit. And as I promised, I will pack myself up and head to the lake after twenty four hours at home and re-enter the world of reality and responsibility… but hopefully I'll arrive filled with a little more grace, a little more peace, a little more happiness, and a lot more hope in my tomorrow.
{ Previous blog "First Day of the 2nd Half of the Year" HERE }
No comments:
Post a Comment