~~~ Flashback Post ~~~
A Ruined Valentine's (Feb 16, 2015)
That weekend was my husbands work Christmas party, which they were finally getting around to celebrating the night before Valentine's Day. Earlier we had made plans to stay overnight at a nice hotel after the party.
The specialty clinic finally called and we are going to have to wait almost a week before we can be seen. So we are left to sit and wait. Needless to say, we are not in any mindset to celebrate anything, but we decided to still keep our hotel reservation.
I haven't slept in days, I'm still bleeding, I'm physically still feeling awful, and I have no desire to eat - food just doesn't taste good anymore, and hasn't for some time. I've started some new hormone shots that my husband has to give me, which leave my hips so sore I can hardly walk. We are filled with worry, filled with crazy scenarios playing out as the unknowns swirl and whirl and weave total chaos within, and we are hardly talking to each other. So much to say, with really no words to express them with.
The drain in our basement backed up (again!) before we'd left town... and my parents came over to try help open it and clean up the aftermath. I had initially been down trying to help, but the smell had left me unable to keep my cookies down, so I was not able to continue to help. Amid the crazy we told my parents what was going on. We also decided we aren't going to tell our youngest son yet. Not that we don't want him to know, it's that we know he won't understand exactly what's going on and he also won't understand not being able to tell anyone, and it will be public knowledge immediately, skewed public knowledge. People will hear "pregnant" but not the rest of the story. That is what we fear most and do not want to have to deal with yet.
In hindsight choosing not to tell him was probably not the best decision, but at the time it's what we felt was right.
Somehow we made it though a very uneventful and basically ruined Valentine's weekend and I found myself back at the clinic lab to get blood work done to recheck my hormone levels. I sat in the waiting room, overtaken with emotion. They called my name and I wept through the entire blood draw. There is so much on the line, and I have absolutely no control what is going on inside me.
When the nurse called later that morning with the results, she simply stated that the numbers have gone up a little, but not the double or tripling that they'd hoped for. I numbly continued through another day, laid wide awake another night, and early the next morning we were on the road finally headed to our appointment at the specialty clinic.
It would be a crazy roller coaster day of emotions and decisions.
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