Oh I have so many things to write and share about, and I think I’m going to just dive in and start with The Wedding… because it’s a mix of the most exciting thing and I know it’s going probably be a pretty hard thing to try capture, and express, and share.
Last fall my son got down on one knee and asked the love of his life if she would marry him, and she said yes. To say the least, we were all beyond ecstatic.
And over the next nine months, I have never felt more loved and more welcomed by anyone than I have been by my precious new daughter-in-law and her family. I was invited to all the things, got to help make, and create, and be hands on with all the things. The showers and flowers, the dress shopping, the engagement clothes shopping, the invites and programs, the bachelorette party (well most of it anyway ~lol), the spa day, the rehearsal supper, the desserts and the cakes… I was joyfully asked and able to just be a part of it all.
Really there are no words to fully describe the feeling of that love and inclusion of myself, getting to watch the love and growth of my son and his fiancé, getting to know her family, and just the fullness within a mothers heart, soul, and mind knowing the wonderful family that her son was also becoming a part of. I have tears in my eyes just trying to write this.
This may end up becoming a multipart series, as I’m sitting here thinking over all the things I could write about (the friends who show up to handle all the things, the stress of having one son the groom and one son the groomsmen, doing a wedding with a mixed family of ex’s and step’s etc) and to put that all in one post isn’t possible.
I think I will initially start with some of my thoughts and emotions I experienced in regards to being both the mother of the groom, and the mother of a stillborn daughter who was born sleeping six years ago.
First and foremost I need to start by simply stating that even though the focus of this particular post is going to be on the wedding and Faith, that my entire mind and thoughts that day were not solely and wholly centered on her. In fact, they were but small snippets to the whole of that amazing day.
I was filled with so much love and joy, pride and good overwhelm, and was truly focused on taking in all the minutes, moments, and memories that I possibly could. So please, don’t read this and think that I was stuck only in my loss and all that I didn’t have and all who wasn’t there – because that is not the case.
But I also don’t want to not take the opportunity to speak quietly into just a few things within my heart in regards to the reality of having a wedding and not having one of your children there with you in the midst of the celebration and chaos.
We have a pink bear that has come to represent Faith. She sits on a shelf on top of the little box of cards and keepsakes of her life and loss. On occasion she joins us in a family photo. My husband is a little odd about it sometimes, which is totally understandable, so for the most part, she’s just hanging out on the shelf. When he saw the bear out and on top of all the cupcake and wedding cake stands, he immediately asked why the bear was out, wary of what my ulterior motive of inclusion was going to be.
Bailey and Coby asked to bring the bear along to the wedding. I wasn’t exactly sure what the plan was for it, and I don’t think they really did either, we just all kind of felt it needed to be there. They also had a beautiful glass and candle display to remember all of the special people that were already gone and watching from Heaven.
I had plans to ask for one family photo including the pink bear. Beyond that I had no thoughts or expectations. The bear went from the back pew of the church during rehearsal, to the downstairs room where all the girls got ready, and then moved to a corner upstairs on top of my bag of all the mom things.
It was a bustle of activity from the time we woke up the day of the wedding. The guys were off to shoot guns and eat donuts, the girls were off to the hair salon. There was lunch shifts, first the girls, then the boys – because the bride and groom were not to see each other before “the first look moment.” And then suddenly, I was needed upstairs for photos of me and Bailey. I helped him do his hair, I helped straighten his collar, I helped pin on his boutonniere. And then … my husband and I got the unexpected gift of a few slow ticking minutes. We were able to sit with him, just the three of us for a little while as we waited for the bride to be ready.
Those minutes in that room will always be some of the best minutes of my life.
And then just like that, the bride was nearly ready and we were to head to the family farm for the first look and all the photos, about a mile away. I suddenly got to load him in my car and drive him there, just the two of us in the cakemobile. And those minutes – phew – let’s just say it was a good thing I had no idea beforehand I was going to be granted those minutes. I did not have a great little talk planned, I did not have all the right words of wisdom ready to try express all my love and all the mom things of that moment in a short one mile drive on a dusty gravel road.
Hopefully what I did manage to get out was enough. (I say this with a smile).
He was so excited, and so nervous, and so in love. My heart could hardly handle it. And then as we got him in the house and into the back room, watching for the arrival of the bride and getting their first look moment all perfectly set up to happen behind the barn… I realized that I had not taken along the pink bear. It was still sitting on top of my bag of all of my mom stuff.
This thought struck my mind as I stood in the hallway looking to my right out the window to their driveway waiting for the arrival of the bride, and looking to my left watching him standing in the doorway of the back room.
I did not take the bear along and they would be doing all the photos at the farm.
I was struck with the reality that first – I had healed enough to actually forget the bear amid the wonderful chaos of that moment with my first born living son, that actually made me smile just a little. And I realized that this also meant that I would not be getting that one family photo with the pink Faith bear. And in that exact moment I found I was more ok with not having the bear in one photo than it was for me to do anything about getting it there. It was of importance, yes… but not enough importance to allow me to miss one single moment of everything happening right then and there. I had a moment of angst and disappointment at myself, but it was gone as fast as it hit.
It was fine. I was fine. There was not going to be a pink bear in one family photo. So, I just took a selfie with it after we got back to the church. And that was good enough for me. She was there, exactly where and how she needed to be.
There were other moments throughout it all, of course, that I had those few thoughts and pangs of the reality that there really should have been one more little cute redheaded five year old running around. One more person I should be worrying about and running around after. One more person to run into Bailey and Coby’s arms for a hug and a kiss and a dance at the reception. This wasn’t my every thought, but it was there.
The bittersweet reality of going on with life after the loss of someone dear. The reality of going on with life with a set of footsteps missing from all the moments and memories happening all around. The watching of other little ones similar to her age, watching and wishing… smiling and hurting, being grateful she’s getting to enjoy the perfection and pleasures of Heaven and not having to endure the sickness and pain of life here on earth, mixed with the guilt of wishing her to still be here with us on this stained and imperfect earth instead of up there embossed in her sparkling perfection.
Bittersweet. It’s the best word I can think of to describe it all.
I am an emotional person, and I may be known to cry easily. I was worried that I would just be one hot crying mess the entire time. I had no idea what to expect, this was our first wedding rodeo you know, as Bailey is our oldest… Coby on the other hand, well she is the way tail ender of a large family – so they were all prepared for all the things. (I say this with a smile of course. I mean really, no matter how many weddings you go through, one will never be fully prepared, this I am sure of.)
Overall I had been doing really well, until that moment at the rehearsal.
You know, that unexpected moment when it all hits and it takes everything in you to not just lay down and just sob… the ugly cry with all the tears and all the snot and all the little hiccups.
Well that moment ended up being the moment when the music started playing and the little flowergirl hit the center isle during the first run through the night of the rehearsal.
And I was not expecting it. And, it hit me hard. All the feels, all the emotions, all the tears. Tears of love and joy and pride and total overwhelm of all the things happening in that exact moment, but also tears of all that wasn’t.
There should have been one more little flower girl walking down that isle beside the adorable Miss Briella. There should have been two little hands tossing pink rose pedals with their sparkly shoes and dresses… but there was not.
There was only one.
And my heart flooded with so many extreme emotions all at exactly the same moment, and I was completely overtaken with tears, just all the tears, and I could not hold them back, could not contain them. Good tears, proud tears, happy tears, sad tears. Just… all the tears.
Words can’t really accurately describe that moment, but that’s ok, because while I can try to express and describe it, I know that I never will be able to fully write the words that would allow anyone else to fully know the magnitude of that moment that I will forever remember and hold near and dear within me.
It was an amazing time of total joy and celebration, mixed with a perfect ting of loss and sadness, just enough to keep me grounded and fully present…
Just enough to keep me fully grateful for every single minute of that amazing event. And I am humbled and proud to say that we officially went from that family that lost their daughter... to that family that gained thee most amazing daughter ever.
Thank you Coby, for everything, from the bottom of my heart, you are loved beyond words.
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