At The Precipice Again

I found myself walking back up the concrete steps outside work this afternoon on my way back from my lunch break. It was cool and rainy and I found a million random, and not so random, thoughts swirling around in my mind.

I feel, in an odd way, that I’m standing at this precipice in my life ... again. Yes again, and no, I have no idea how many times I have been here previously. Over and over again I seem to end up right back here. I am one that cycles through life on the highs and lows of goods and bads, successes and tragic failures.

This thought does make me smile, as time and again I comment that our son is either at “one extreme or the other – there’s no in-between with him.” He’s adopted and we deal with a few issues, and yet as I’m thinking of myself right now, his non-biological mother that has not given him one single strand of his DNA, I can see I am perhaps quite similar to him in this way if I’m totally honest. Lol.

Yes, here I am… standing at the tale end of one heck of a long winter for me. I’m not sure if it’s an excuse, or just my frank and honest reality, but I struggled this winter. Depression, introversion, weight gain, negative self talk, letheragy… I spent as much time as I could in bed. I didn’t watch any tv, but I did read a litte, I did numb on social media a little, and I slept a lot.

Just get the ticking of the time on that clock to pass by already.

I stopped blogging, I stopped scrapbooking, I avoided people and public whenever possible. I stopped doing my devotions, I stopped going to church. It wasn’t that my faith or beliefs or love of God had changed, I just lacked the desire or discipline to do it. I stopped weighing in, I stopped most of my inspirational social media posting, I stopped really training and really working hard on my health and nutrition. Skipping the miles, half assing the workouts, eating the crap, and mentally beating myself up every single day. I let myself believe that I had nothing to say, nothing to share, nothing worth showing up for (myself included), with an underlying whisper in my ear that I was a fake, a fraud, a phoney.  I needed to be quiet and I needed to hide.

How could I go from the top of the world back to the bottom of the mountain so quickly?

But the reality is, I did. I somehow lost my steam, my vision, my devotion and dedication.  And I sat there for a long time, a really long time.  I'm still sitting here in it all. Some days I fought it, some days I honestly just didn’t give a crap. Most days I did honestly attempt to fight it, but just wasn’t able to find it in me to actually do anything about changing my current trajectory. 

I tried to keep showing up for myself, tried to keep myself accountable, keep fighting the battle within mind, body, and soul. I weakly held on to the good days, but I wasn’t where I wanted to be, wasn’t where I had once been at.  I didn’t want to admit to failure, shame, regression.

I knew I’d gained some weight, heck I’m the one wearing it with me everywhere I go.  I knew I was in a rough place, I knew I wanted to stop, change, get back up… but I didn’t, I couldn’t.

I ran a 15K race this past weekend, and as I dragged my out of shape tired ass across the finish line and stood there holding my metal and looking at the stats on my garmin watch and runkeeper app, I had a bit of a reality kick in the butt. It was more than “a bit” – it was a big ol ice cold slap to the face. Yes, I had started and finished and earned my finishers metal, but I was not trained physically, and I was not in a good place mentally. The sad state of both of those together literally ripped open my little achy breaky heart right then and there.

I don’t consider myself a real runner or real athlete, but this was the first time I had entered into a race that I was not fully trained and ready for. It was hard on my body, it was hard on my mind, and even though I finished, I knew it was time to get my shit back together… somehow, someway.

It was either time to get it together, or it was time to quit it all together. Quit myself, quit my running, my health, my healing, all of it all together.  It was time to figure out how to get back to being either all in, or all out.  This see-sawing back and forth has again taken it’s toll on me and it’s kill’n me smalls.

I’ve slowly been trying to take a few steps forward throughout the past several weeks, but like the entire winter – I would get a few steps ahead again, only to suddenly let myself get thrust ten steps backwards and end up further and further behind. And while I grumbled and grumped about it, I didn’t actually get back up to do anything about it.

So I continued to retreat. To hide. To sleep.

I didn’t want to let people in and see the ugly within me that had again returned. I didn’t want to be honest about my struggles and setbacks. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone I may have once impressed ever so slightly. I didn’t want to own up, admit to, take ownership of my sins and weaknesses.

I told myself my sudden lack of blog followers and interactions was because of facebook's dumb new algorithms, which may have been the case, but I also silently started believing that no one wanted to know, to follow, to interact with my life, my story, my reality, my issues, my struggles anymore.

I let myself believe the lie that it was me, it my was shortfalls, and that I still wasn’t enough.

You know, I was afraid and so hesitant to share about my wins and weight loss when I was still winning the health and wellness battle, and then I was afraid to share about my failures when I started once again losing that same damn battle, all while knowing no one is really even reading what I write about anyway.

But it’s time to take a deep breath, and let out an "oh well, I don’t give a shit" exhale. Well I do, but I think it’s time to just get over myself and my worry about what others will think of me, and start once again focusing on what I’m thinking and talking to about myself, and focusing on how I’ve stopped loving myself as well as I should be, and know I could be.  It's time to spend some time in silence and reflection, going back to the time and place when I was still feeling strong and successful, when I was still slaying my dragons and fighting off the negativity and insecurities. Once I am able to figure out how I got there before, I can start to work on what I can do to find my way back there again.

Baby steps.  But, better baby steps then no steps at all.  Better baby steps forwards than leaps and bounds backwards.  Baby steps indeed.

A small part of me can’t help but think I am not the only one coming off a long hard winter this year. I can’t be the only one who is struggling, who has gained some weight, who has battled the inner demons of not enough and depression. I cannot be the only one riding on life’s hot mess express right now.

Please, someone else just raise your hand and give me an “Amen seester, I am right here with ya girlfriend!”

If you are out there slaying your dragons, getting those miles in, losing those pounds, rock'n your days – I am so happy and excited for you! Honestly I am! I remember that feeling and it’s awesome – ride that high as long and as far as you can! And if you happen to think of it, I’d love if you’d turn around , reach out and let me grab you by the hand and ride on your shirttails of success just a little, or just reach out and give me a big 'ol high five as I'm standing over on the sidelines cheering you on.

If you are out there struggling, floundering, slipping, sliding, desperately grasping for something... anything to keep you stable, keep you afloat... well my loves, you are not alone! Oh Lord you are not alone.  And I'm here with a hug and a tissue and the promise that you will never cry alone when I'm around.  Dare to be vulnerable and dare to take a tiny step forward, to just try be a little open and a little honest with yourself and a few others you trust. 

We can't do it alone, and we shouldn't have to.

(And yes, for all of you wanting to leave a comment about taking some meds and getting some therapy... you don't need to, I'm already on it and doing it, and I'm not ashamed to admit that either.)

{ Previous blog post "Spring Is In The Air" HERE }

{ Next blog post "Giving Myself Grace" HERE }

Spring Is In The Air

I realize I haven’t written much lately, or at least I haven’t been publishing much of what I’ve been writing lately. I haven’t been scrapbooking lately. I haven’t taken any photos lately. I haven’t been running much lately. I haven’t been doing much of anything lately.

Except climbing back into bed.

I’ve spent the majority of this winter getting up, and then going back to bed. I’m in bed almost every night by 7:30pm, doesn’t matter if it’s a weekend or weekday.  Early to bed, early to rise. So yes, I do get up between 3-4:00am every morning seven days a week. I sometimes work out, I sometimes make coffee and read. I sometimes just sit in the still and dark quiet of the house, doing absolutely nothing.

And when the rest of the house starts to waken and the sun starts to come up, I just climb myself right back into bed.

I’ve stopped laying my clothes for working out and for work the night before (probably because most of those clothes don’t fit me comfortably anymore). I’ve stopped tracking the books I’ve read and stopped logging the miles I’ve run.  I’ve stopped counting my transformer numbers during the occasional time I talk myself into doing a workout video. I’ve stopped counting the points of the food I eat.

I care. But at the same time I absolutely don’t.

I keep thinking, hoping that the promising arrival of spring will help lift my spirits and help light that lost fire in my belly again. I keep hoping that the sunshine and warmer temps will finally help kick my sorry ass out of my bed and back into the big overwhelming world again.

But… it really hasn’t. At least not yet.

I have a 15k race coming up this weekend. And I am not ready, not ready by a long shot. Not ready mentally, not ready physically. I have put in some winter miles in the basement on my machines, but that transition back to outside in real life, with real hills, and real gale force winds of Iowa - it’s brutal (for me anyway). I’ve only gotten outside to run less than a handful of times, and every time it was met with epic failure in my mind. Every time I am again reminded about just how far I have regressed over the last year, how faster and farther and thinner I was a year ago.

You would think that would be this fantastic instigator, motivator, incentive to kick it in the jimmy… but for some reason it’s not. And I’m finding that even more frustrating than you can imagine.

It’s been a season of hard for me lately. A season of heavy and unnameable burdens. The weight on my shoulders feels like it’s overtaking me most days, and I hide in the shadows of shameful regression most days. Surely, how could I come so far a two short years ago, only to slip so far backwards so quickly yet again.  Surely, we aren't supposed to admit our struggles, share our inner fears and pains and insecurities.  Surely we aren't supposed to own up to the wispers of our own demons of depression and darkness within us.

Ahhhh, the epic story of my life. And here I thought maybe for once, for once in my life I had finally done it different, the right way, the slow way, the hard way, and it would stay… but obviously that is not the case.

This past weekend the sun was shining, the wind was blowing at it's typical tundra force, and the temperature was finally in the sixties. I did not want to, but I finally convinced myself to lace up those damn running shoes and at least attempt a sizable training distance. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t mind over matters, I couldn’t mind over miles… and as I fought and fought for each one of those redicuously horrible five long miles on the hard concrete streets in my little town, I found myself fighting back tears.

Anger. Frustration. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Exhaustion. Giving up.  My body hurt, my legs hurt, my feet hurt... and my heart hurt.

Before I had even started out, I had told myself I would run five miles and allow myself to power walk four miles. The five miles would be through town on concrete roads. Theast four miles would be on the local trail that was once a railroad path, which I knew would be muddy and a little tricky to navigate while running. Well, at least that’s the story I allowed myself to believe, the excuse card I wrote out in my mind and handed over to justify what I knew was going to be less than what I was wanting.

I finally reached the trail entrance and took a left turn and started down the way. I went from a concrete curb and gutter view, to suddenly… a view of nature. It was a beautiful mix of old, drab and dead with that of a vivid green new growth with its promise of tomorrow, and hope, and God’s faithfulness.

All those bright green little shoots of grass popping up through the dormant earth, peeking and poking their way through that once frozen black ground, reaching, stretching, clamoring upwards toward that sunshine.

I walked and walked, and watched the passing sides of the trail from one end to the other. Four miles of those magical pops of green, four miles of life and death, rebirth and growth, so clearly displayed in its most bare and raw natural environments. A visual and tangible reminder of God’s goodness, His grace in granting new life, new growth, new opportunities. His gentle touch of healing and His granting of the passing of time, the celebration of the change of seasons, the continuation of His faithful promise to never leave us, never forsake, never forget us.

Had I continued to push myself, continue to curse myself, over the course of those last four miles, I would have never taken these sights and these thoughts in. I would have continued to fight it all, to push and punish, and stay blinded by my own disappointment, my own lacking, my own judgement, my own condemnation of not enough.

But I chose to walk. I chose to listen to my body. I chose to give my mind and my body a small reprieve from its mental insanity… and in that slowing down, in that stillness, in that season of defeat I would look down and see those first little hints of grass, of growth, of glimmering hope in what’s to come tomorrow.

Life didn’t stop all together in that season of cold and harsh winter that spread behind it all those long several last months. Life slowed, it changed, it evolved into something nearly unrecognizable, but it didn’t stop all together. It rested and it waited for the gentle but firm touch from God to signal the time for change, the season to start to grow again.

I couldn’t help but feel an ache within me, an ever so slight pull within me as I thought of all this, knowing that God isn’t done with me yet either. He may have me in a season of hiding, a season of dormancy, a season of lost and laonely and hurting and sadness, of being bleak and cold… but it’s not going to stay that way forever, I need to remember and trust that this isn’t going to last forever.

I need to trust God will grant my current winter season to again evolve into a new spring. I need to trust He will reach out, reach in, to gently touch the current cold, lifeless soil of my soul and ignite in me a time of renewed growth and hope. Oh may this winterness pass soon. I long to return to that which I once knew… that which I once had accomplished… that which I had once conquered.

And as I type these words and bring these thoughts to a close tonight, I’m reminded of the words of a song… I google them, read them, listen to them. And in closing shall share them.

May we all find the strength and patience to weather our storms of inclemency. May we all hold strong in our weaknesses and lacking. May we all have open eyes to not miss the budding hope of new growth and opportunity all around us.

You Breathe In Me by Michael W Smith

You breathe in me
And I'm alive
With the power of your holiness
You breathe in me
And you revive
Feelings in my soul
That I have laid to rest

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within

So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again

I used to be
So sensitive
To the light that leads
To where you are

Now I've acquired
These callouses
With the darkness of
A cold and jaded heart

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life

In me again

{ Previous blog post "Finding My Forward" HERE }

{ Next blog post "At The Precipice Again} HERE }