I’m doing a thirty-five day online program right now with Mel Robbins called Mindset Reset. It started at the beginning of the year, and it’s a daily talk with small daily tasks and challenges, with the purpose of tuning in to your mindset, your negativity, your triggers, your default thoughts… it’s about being intentional with your time, your thoughts, your mood, your outlook, and your dreams... yes, your dreams.
She has talked a little bit about being sure to carve out a few minutes every day to focus on yourself, on your dreams… and she emphasizes the importance of doing this right away in the morning. First thing in your day, before you pick up your phone, before you log on, before you let the world in, before you jump into the noise and the chaos.
I have found myself incredibly grateful for the current routine I am in, and for taking the time two years ago to to really start working on putting myself on my own to do list, and for already being in the habit of getting up early to exercise, to savor the quiet and spend time alone doing my prayers and devotions. And yet, I have found myself stumbling over her phrases and comments lately about our dreams. How we need to be sure to give ourselves time to dream, time to visualize, time to see ourselves beyond the here we are at right now.
Over the last three years I have come to grips with the reality that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, we're not. That reality became very apparent as we sat at the funeral of our stillborn daughter. It maybe wasn't the screaming ring in my ears on that beautiful March day, but it would soon become my manta, my engrained mindset, engraved into the very marrow of my soul.
You are not guaranteed tomorrow. You are not guaranteed retirement, and you are not guaranteed retirement with your spouse.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to live reckless and irresponsible, but I also am going to stop putting off today something that I might not get a chance to do tomorrow, or next year. I'm diligently and intentionally trying and live in the here and now, in the moment, in my present reality. However I am not worthy of any awards or accolades, as I'm not very good at this ... I am a chronic over planner and worrier, and I have a suitcase stuffed full of failures and regrets and not enough's from my forty-three year old past that I am dragging along behind me every single day. It's a hard balance to not get sucked back into the past or whisked away far into an unknown future, to simply "be." Which is actually my word, or my focus for this year, interestingly enough.
I think part of this topic of spending time on our dreams hits home with me because I have spent so much of my life in what I feel is "survival mode." Simply getting through day by day... some days it's hour by hour. It's been a survival mode out of shear necessity with so much of the endless craziness of our life mixed in with a heavy dash of attempting to be fully present and live in the moment exactly at hand. If I'm trying to not live in the future, then I surely must limit my dreams, cuz dreams can be wayyyy out there, wayyyy far off, and often a little scary. Dreams take time, take planning, take effort, take "letting go and letting God."
When it comes to dreams, I'm also one that has never opened my hands wide enough to really let go of any of those big dreams and allowed them to take flight. I hang on, clutch them close, and attempt to keep them small and manageable, keep them within my own control, leveraging their risk and heartache values. If I'm the one in control then I can protect myself from failure, from hurt, from disappointment.
I've come to the mindset that if I don't allow myself to dream big, then I also will protect myself from hurting big when it doesn't come to fruition.
But, that also means I could possibly be cutting myself short on a success or achievement or joy larger than I maybe realize I could accomplish or experience. This thought really had not really occurred to me before.
I have found myself cycling back to this inner dialog over and over again about my dreams. Do I even have any dreams? How can I sit here and not know if I have any real dreams for myself right now? Well, when you don't allow yourself to think ahead, don't allow yourself to wonder about things that might cause failure or heartache, when you don't allow yourself to jump, leap, dare... then you also don't allow yourself much time to dwell and contemplate on ... your dreams...
Yes, I want to retire someday, yes I want to have lake front property someday. Yes I want to write a book someday, yes I want to achieve a health level in my body that I am not currently at yet. But immediately I default to no, I will never have enough money to retire and have lake front property, because our spending and finances are completely out of control, I will never have enough time to devote to letting myself actually write a book, and no I will never achieve that level of health I desire because my eating and will power is completely out of control and I am not a "real" athlete. End of thoughts, end of dreams. Squash them before they can hurt and disappointment me any more than they already are.
If you just stop thinking about it, then you will never have to own it, and never have to put in the time, the effort, the heart, the motivation to actually work to achieve.
But you want to know something a bit crazy... I keep stumbling back onto this sub 2 hour half marathon finish desire that I have had. I have come within 3-4 minutes of this 3-4 times over the past two years (because that's all the longer I've really been running) but have never been able to “officially” clock that achievement of a sub2 finish time. I don’t know if I would actually classify this particular thing as a legit “dream” or not, but oddly enough, it’s what seems to be whispering in my mind more often than not whenever the subject comes up lately, and thank you Mel Robbins, now that I am working on those self awareness skills, apparently that is something still ruminating within my heart.
After I ran my last half marathon this fall, I finished (at 2:03) and somehow got myself back to the hotel and swore never again. Never again would I run a half marathon in the cold and biting wind and crap of October weather in the midwest. Never again would I run the DesMoines IMT half marathon, twice was one time too many. Heck, never again would I even train or run a half marathon ever again. Done. I was done and I did not meet that sub2 goal. And as I laid there, cold, and so incredibly sore and disappointed, still in my sweaty race clothes and bib, that was just fine with me. Just fine and dandy. I was done running. I was 43 years old. I was old, I was not a "real" athlete, I was not a "real" runner, and it was time to get this silly stupid notion out of my mind once and for all.
But again I insert this thought on … dreams… dreams are a funny thing aren’t they?!? Because you know what, I haven’t gotten that stupid notion out of my head, and every-so-often I even let them come up and entertain my mind and thoughts on occasion… you know, like a few nights ago.
I don’t even know why, but I allowed myself to actually get excited about a possible up coming half marathon, ok - so maybe I had already registered for it months ago… Ok, ok - I may have signed up for it before I ran that miserable last half marathon mentioned above, you know the one that I swore off all other half marathons after… yup. I know, I know… Lose my registration fee and just walk away... or put the damn thing on the calendar and build that training schedule around it and just do it?? What to do, what to do.
The day after my 43rd birthday I may have also signed up for a virtual half marathon on the morning of my 44th birthday. I also may have signed up for the most amazing For My Angel Half Marathon race on the morning of our Faith MaryJo’s birth day.
Yes, I can do the math… that sworn ZERO, nada, zip, zilch number of half marathons I was never going to run again is actually currently sitting at three. Ugh. Why?!?! Why I say again?!?! Glutton for punishment, that's what I am.
But then I hear that tiny little whisper inside again… that inner nudge to do it, to keep trying. Allow myself to believe in myself, love myself, push myself, take joy in myself. To just allow myself to just dream. … but then just as quickly I hear the other little whisper inside, you know the one saying you're too old, you're too slow, you're too lazy, you're too busy, training is too selfish, you're too “not enough.”
And the ridiculous war within my mind continues its forty-three year old battle within.
A few nights ago I didn’t listen to that other whisper right away… I thought about one of those bucket list items I have, that third big, on location half marathon I’d committed to before my last half, the one I said I wasn’t going to run. I surfed, and clicked, and read, and even went as far to pick up the phone to inquire about hotel availability and room rates. I allowed myself to get a little bit excited again. I allowed myself to feel just a little bit of heat and tingle deep in the wells of my stomach and soul again.
I fell asleep with tabs upon tabs open in my internet browser holding sites with photos and race statistics and finishing times and route and elevation maps and hotels and shuttle bus pickup locations. Oh dear Lord in Heaven…
And then I woke up bright and early the next morning, the sky still jet black for a few remaining hours. I put on my running tights and tank top, laced up my shoes and turned on the treadmill. Approximately fifty-two seconds into that morning run I found myself struggling along and wanting to quit, suddenly thinking, no screaming, the thoughts “What were you thinking?!? You are NOT going to run another half! You are NOT a runner, you are NOT! Seriously, what were you thinking?!?”
How can we let ourselves go from one extreme to the other in such a short time? How can we let our thoughts be filled with hope and excitement one moment and fear and dread the next? As I found myself thinking over this phenomena throughout the following day, I kept coming back to the thought that that’s really the whole intention, the whole purpose, the whole reason for dreams.
Dreams are actually more than just the really big out of reach goals we never give ourselves enough credit to actually think we’ll achieve. Dreams are really little sparks, those tiny little catalysts that somehow have a way of catapulting us from numb, from fear, from medocirty, from status quo, to driving us upward, and outward, and filling us with just enough courage to take that small step, or maybe even a large leap, into something beyond ourselves, outside our comfort levels, beyond our current situations and abilities.
I can see why if one never gives themselves silence, never gives themself the luxury and necessity of placing their own selves on their own to-do lists, that they may never hear, may never experience that little whisper, that little nudge, that little bit of heat, that little call of the wild floating through on the wild wings of our dreams.
And then I woke up bright and early the next morning, the sky still jet black for a few remaining hours. I put on my running tights and tank top, laced up my shoes and turned on the treadmill. Approximately fifty-two seconds into that morning run I found myself struggling along and wanting to quit, suddenly thinking, no screaming, the thoughts “What were you thinking?!? You are NOT going to run another half! You are NOT a runner, you are NOT! Seriously, what were you thinking?!?”
How can we let ourselves go from one extreme to the other in such a short time? How can we let our thoughts be filled with hope and excitement one moment and fear and dread the next? As I found myself thinking over this phenomena throughout the following day, I kept coming back to the thought that that’s really the whole intention, the whole purpose, the whole reason for dreams.
Dreams are actually more than just the really big out of reach goals we never give ourselves enough credit to actually think we’ll achieve. Dreams are really little sparks, those tiny little catalysts that somehow have a way of catapulting us from numb, from fear, from medocirty, from status quo, to driving us upward, and outward, and filling us with just enough courage to take that small step, or maybe even a large leap, into something beyond ourselves, outside our comfort levels, beyond our current situations and abilities.
I can see why if one never gives themselves silence, never gives themself the luxury and necessity of placing their own selves on their own to-do lists, that they may never hear, may never experience that little whisper, that little nudge, that little bit of heat, that little call of the wild floating through on the wild wings of our dreams.
I can see why on occasion we do need to let down our guards, put blinders on our expectations and perfection complexes, and merely allow ourselves to be swept away into a world of "what if's" - an environment of "who know's" - a few shear moments of weakness to in fact push us into taking a small step (or large leap) to do something that may propel us forward toward that dream, that hope, that goal we are currently so terrified of, ignoring, dumbing down its relevance in, shying away from out of fear or hesitation.
Dreams are big. Dreams are small. Dreams are scary. Dreams are filled with risk. What if we fail? Yes, but... what if we don't? We need to take a serious look at ourselves in the mirror and simply ask is it worse to try and fail - or to fail to even try?
What are your dreams? What is keeping you from taking the time to dream your dreams? What is keeping you from taking the time to actually define them and then go after them?
What would the world look like if we all took the time to put ourselves on our own to-do lists? What would the world look like if we all dared to dream big ... big big? What would the world look like if we all did more than just dream about those dreams - what if we actually took the first step, and then the next, and then the next? And what if we all loved on and supported each other in a transparent and soul filling community of friends and supporters? What if we honestly worked on accepting and building each other u through support and love and encouragement, rather than judging, and tearing each other down through discouragement and disappointment?
Can you imagine the boost, and energy, the forward momentum that would catapult this overwhelmed and under appreciated world into?!? A movement of movers and shakers, eager and hungry for their wildest dreams to take form and take hold, with a screaming entourage of supporters and bystanders surrounding our paths.
May we all take the time to dream. May we all take the time to believe in ourselves and give validation to not only our dreams but may we also take the time to allow those around us to dream their dreams, be believed in, give them validation and appreciation to get them to and through their dream journeys as well.
And remember (meaning: reminder to myself!) that a dream is something that is not just an end result, a final number in a bank account, a final time clocked at the end of the race, a final number at the end of the game, a final destination on the roadmap of our lives... but a dream is the entire journey, the catalyst and the path, the process, the journey we will find in the seeking and searching and working towards. It's the evolution and a revelation that helps get us from here to there.
It doesn't matter where the "here" is or where the "there" is ... I think it's about the journey in-between that is the true source and definition of our dreams. It's what we learn and what we choose to do along the way.
We need to take the time and allow ourselves to dream. We need to be brave and allow ourselves to start the journey towards our dreams. We need to align ourselves with the people and things that understand and embrace us, and our dreams. We need to love ourselves enough to just step out in faith and go after them. Jump in with both feet. Allow ourselves the time, and allow ourselves the grace needed to take on the challenge, whatever that may be.
Sign up for that race. Open up that blank page and start that book. Open up that checkbook and actually look at the numbers and do something about creating a budget. Do that thing, whatever it is that is deep within you, calling your name. I need to remind myself it's ok to dream, it's ok to risk the possibility of failure, disappointment, and hurt.
Perhaps it time to stop over thinking and over analyzing and overall ignoring and shutting down those whispers within so we can gingerly step over our walls of failure fears and the negativity reality of the hard work required of success and achievements. We need to overlook all of that just long enough to say yes (or no) to a few small things, with the hopes of igniting the forward movement of positive change that will one day add up to some of the really big things in our lives.
And if we aren't here tomorrow, heaven forbid... we will also have not lived and left behind any regrets.
Do it scared, but just do it. Dare to dream, and dare to dream big. #peptalktomyself.
{ Previous blog post "Whatcha Reading 2018" HERE }
Dreams are big. Dreams are small. Dreams are scary. Dreams are filled with risk. What if we fail? Yes, but... what if we don't? We need to take a serious look at ourselves in the mirror and simply ask is it worse to try and fail - or to fail to even try?
What are your dreams? What is keeping you from taking the time to dream your dreams? What is keeping you from taking the time to actually define them and then go after them?
What would the world look like if we all took the time to put ourselves on our own to-do lists? What would the world look like if we all dared to dream big ... big big? What would the world look like if we all did more than just dream about those dreams - what if we actually took the first step, and then the next, and then the next? And what if we all loved on and supported each other in a transparent and soul filling community of friends and supporters? What if we honestly worked on accepting and building each other u through support and love and encouragement, rather than judging, and tearing each other down through discouragement and disappointment?
Can you imagine the boost, and energy, the forward momentum that would catapult this overwhelmed and under appreciated world into?!? A movement of movers and shakers, eager and hungry for their wildest dreams to take form and take hold, with a screaming entourage of supporters and bystanders surrounding our paths.
May we all take the time to dream. May we all take the time to believe in ourselves and give validation to not only our dreams but may we also take the time to allow those around us to dream their dreams, be believed in, give them validation and appreciation to get them to and through their dream journeys as well.
And remember (meaning: reminder to myself!) that a dream is something that is not just an end result, a final number in a bank account, a final time clocked at the end of the race, a final number at the end of the game, a final destination on the roadmap of our lives... but a dream is the entire journey, the catalyst and the path, the process, the journey we will find in the seeking and searching and working towards. It's the evolution and a revelation that helps get us from here to there.
It doesn't matter where the "here" is or where the "there" is ... I think it's about the journey in-between that is the true source and definition of our dreams. It's what we learn and what we choose to do along the way.
We need to take the time and allow ourselves to dream. We need to be brave and allow ourselves to start the journey towards our dreams. We need to align ourselves with the people and things that understand and embrace us, and our dreams. We need to love ourselves enough to just step out in faith and go after them. Jump in with both feet. Allow ourselves the time, and allow ourselves the grace needed to take on the challenge, whatever that may be.
Sign up for that race. Open up that blank page and start that book. Open up that checkbook and actually look at the numbers and do something about creating a budget. Do that thing, whatever it is that is deep within you, calling your name. I need to remind myself it's ok to dream, it's ok to risk the possibility of failure, disappointment, and hurt.
Perhaps it time to stop over thinking and over analyzing and overall ignoring and shutting down those whispers within so we can gingerly step over our walls of failure fears and the negativity reality of the hard work required of success and achievements. We need to overlook all of that just long enough to say yes (or no) to a few small things, with the hopes of igniting the forward movement of positive change that will one day add up to some of the really big things in our lives.
And if we aren't here tomorrow, heaven forbid... we will also have not lived and left behind any regrets.
Do it scared, but just do it. Dare to dream, and dare to dream big. #peptalktomyself.
{ Previous blog post "Whatcha Reading 2018" HERE }
