I have no plan b work out options right now at the camper. There’s no treadmill or elliptical or even wi-fi access to do a video. With no option to head downstairs to try tackle one of those beasts… I sit, in the silence, and rest. At least for the moment. (If the sun were to come out later today… game on baby.)
I’ve talked about this before, but rest is hard for me, both in a physical sense, and in a mental sense. I am one who tends to be very hard on my body physically - asking it, pushing it to always do more and go farther, punishing it for all that it has denied me and taken from me. Never perfect, never enough, never happy. I am also one who tends to not be able to turn off my mind, my inner dialog, my brain always on, always firing and over-processing.
For me, my one “rest day” a week that I give myself means I do a six mile power walk instead of a six mile run, so it’s actually more of a mental “rest day” than anything else. I don’t have to battle that ridiculous mind over miles game step after step mile after mile… I just have to merely put in the miles. On walk days I allow myself to stop to take photos of the sunrise or scenery if I want to, a gift I rarely grant myself on run days.
It’s very rare right now that I give myself an entire day off from all physical exercise, that I allow myself to sleep in, that I grant myself a true day off. Thinking back over my exercise logs in my mind, I think I have taken two, maybe three, actual exercise rest days so far this year. Looking back, there have been entire seasons, entire years, I allowed myself rest… when I lacked the willpower, determination, grit, and tenacity that I am currently hanging on to right now. Cycles. Seasons. Valleys. Mountain tops. Weight gain. Weight loss. Residual effects of ED. Physical illness and injury. Mental warfare.
Oh the mental games of all this. Exhausting, utterly exhausting.
I am my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. I listen very carefully and very intently to the whispers of insecurity and nudges of unworthiness that satan is continually feeding me. I know it. I’m aware of it. And yet I still fall victim to it every single day. I often wonder if everyone deals with the intensity of this like I do. A small part of me wants to think, or at least honestly hope, that I am one of the few that is hyper vigilant and entirely overactive with this inner battle I’m continually warring.
My logical mind knows all the answers and understands all the nutrition and diet and exercise logic and logistics. I know there is a full balance of food in and energy out that needs to be in balance for it to actually work property. Under-eating and over-exercising actually causes your body to shut itself down and hold on so tightly to everything already in it, completely derailing all wonder woman efforts to lose weight and become healthier. The logic and understanding in me knows this, and yet every ounce of myself fights this reality every single stinking day. I can make the lists, plan the hours, days, weeks, and months perfectly planning and balancing it all out to a tee… and still fall apart at the seams as I walk through its daily reality.
I need to balance better and I need to rest more, and I am horrible at both.
So this morning as I sit the darkness, nature at war with my best laid plans for the day, I will try hold back my grumbling and disappointment and simply smile and thank God for this gift of rest, nature’s answer to both the earth’s needs and my own needs.
It looks like God is strategically multi-tasking today at His finest, and I will be humbled and grateful… May I simply accept this gift with open hands. May I rest sweetly and may I rest deeply today. I deserve it. I have earned it. And obviously Lord knows, I need it.
“Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” ~Matthew 11:28
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