Ready to Welcome 2017

Here it is, New Year's Eve, and I have almost survived another Holiday season!  There were moments I didn't think I'd make it through, but the end is in sight!

I am not a natural extrovert.  People and noise and chaos do not fill me.  Quiet and alone fill me.  My family and my job are huge blessings to me, but it does take a lot from me to get through some of the daily grinds of basic family holiday gatherings and weekly worship services.  And lumped together for weeks and days in a row with little down time, and my inner introvert-ness is crying to be alone for a while.

I look back over all the parties, gatherings, festivities and worship services I've been a part of throughout this season and I can't help but smile at all the wonderful interactions and meaningful things that occurred.  It's been a full and rich season of God's blessing and goodness, and I'm left feeling humble and overly appreciative.

My husband totally rocked it this year and completely blew me away with the gifts and love he showered upon me.  He gave of his time and talent and gave me the gift of a fireplace, custom builtin around it, and installed an entire barnwood wall around it.  Something he created and gave me, within our own home, which we can enjoy as a family and allow me to relax and be filled.

Long ago I resolved to stop making resolutions.  It just sets me up for personal failure and disappointment, and it was always the same things on the list every year.  And then a few years ago, I met a new friend who told me that every year she has a word or theme for that year, and she has encouraged me to listen for mine every year since.

Now I'm looking into the start of another new year, wondering what God all has in store for me and for my family.  I've been thinking and trying to listen to the word or theme God wants me to have for 2017.

2015 my word was TRUST.  2015 was a tough, tough year and we just needed to hang on and TRUST God's plan and timing.   2016 was HEALING.  While 2016 wasn't horrible, it was still a fairly tough year for me, and I felt the overall theme as the months continued, was I just needed to intentionally continue to HEAL ~ physically, mentally, spiritually.

As I mentioned in my previous post, the quiet theme scooting through my mind over and over the past several weeks has been "stop caring & stop sharing" - which I realize is a bit harsh and a bit extreme. I just sense that I need work on not getting so emotionally wrapped up in my own inner drama and to stop sharing about what I tend to get all worked up about.

As I was showering this morning thinking about it all, the word LESS became my clear word for 2017.

In 2017 I want to do less.  I am already very careful about what I take on, agree to, volunteer for, etc - but I still feel like I live at a very hectic pace.  I want to commit to do less, without guilt, so I have time to relax more, read more, scrapbook more, spend time in silence and reflection more.  Less crazy, less chaos, less expectations.

I want to spend less.  I already try to spend as little as possible, but I will be the first to admit we have gotten into a very bad habit of overspending.  No, I'm not going to cut cable and cut my grocery budget in half tomorrow, but I do need to be conscious of what I'm shelling out money for.

I want to have less.  I struggle with "stuff" - all those things we have that fill our house, our lives, our drawers, cupboards, shelves, closets, etc.  I always threaten to go all extreme and get rid of half of the things in our house.  While I don't see that happening, I do hope to consciously lessen all that which isn't "necessary" inside the walls of my home and life.

I want to weigh less.  I am already well on my way to a new and healthier me, but I'm not quite there yet.  I want to not just continue on and reach a healthier weight, but I want to stay living healthier through thee entire twelve months of 2017.  I have a horrible track record of not keeping the weight off, eating well, and exercising consistently once I have met my goal.  Someone I know has set a 1000 mile walk/run goal for 2017.  I love this idea ~ it's honestly very achievable, and I'm fairly certain I will steal her same goal. :-)  I also think 2017 just might be the year I finally decide to tackle running a half marathon.

I want to talk less.  I realize this is a bit of an odd thing maybe, but I know I'm a talker and it's very easy for me to be open about what I'm thinking and feeling.  This isn't a bad thing overall, but often I get sucked into drama and grumpy negativity.  I just want to be conscious of what I'm saying and sharing.  I want to complain less, be less negative in my thoughts and comments, and overall just listen better.

So that's my word and my initial thoughts as I'm getting ready to say farewell to 2016 and warmly greet 2017.  I'm hoping as I start consciously doing and becoming LESS that it will continue to spill into even more areas of my life than the five I specifically listed above.

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The Christmas Goodie Making Mess

I tend to run a tight ship in my kitchen.  My kitchen is not immune to extreme mess by any means, but it's my mess.  And I am fairly controlled and competent with my sprinkles.

Tonight is the yearly "Christmas goodie" making night with my youngest.   I had hoped my teenager and girlfriend would have come home, but there wasn't even a reply to the text inviting them.

We got out the candies, crackers, double broiler and almond barks, turned on the ovens and began all our creations.  And it is crazy hard for me not to micro-manage, to not take over and do it myself, to not nitpick and get a little grumpy, to not expect "perfect".

I hate that about myself.  I long to be able to honestly just sit back, relax, and completely enjoy the moment, no matter what the agenda, no matter what the mess.  But I can't...  whether in my kitchen, in my living room, at my desk at work, even driving in my car.

It's what makes me be my very best, and it makes me my very worst, all at the same time.

This season I have been very aware of the little narrative in my mind telling me to just "not care" and "not share"... I've mentioned this to a few people who have given me the odd look.  It's not "not caring" across the board - it's just not getting emotionally attached to the extreme feelings and thoughts always running out-of-control within me.  I try and not "numb" in life, I try and just "feel and deal" day by day - all there, all in, all the time.  It's an exhausting daily grind most days and I'm pretty sure I am a prime candidate for drug and alcohol abuse as I can totally see why people start - just wanting to dull that extreme inside, hide the hard.  I watch Intervention, and I get it - oh I totally get it.

But I am beyond grateful God has continued to shield me from all that, as I've chosen to just continuing to navigate my life's full reality head on with all 100% of me.  While this might sometimes feel a bit of a curse, I am fully aware of the overwhelming blessing in this.  He is fully present next to me in my mess, holding my hand and just encouraging me to take a deep breath and continue forward.

And with that thought of overwhelming blessing filling my soul and spreading its smile, I look on at the disarray of scattered sprinkles and flour from baseboard to ceiling... and I will choose to leave the mess just a little longer.  I'll resist the urge to meticulously clean up as we go and instead live in the mess of the moment while it lasts, allowing the the carefree joy of my eight year old baker-in-the-making to continue his joyful creativity without the crushing expectation of his mother's "perfection complex."  I will choose to be fully present in his mess and encourage him to continue forward as well.

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Christmas Is Not About Me

Christmas is next week, and I am feeling a bit "bah-humbug" about it all.  A lot bit "bah-humbug" if I'm completely honest.

I am not a fan of Christmas.  Once upon a time I'm sure I was.  I have endless magical memories of Christmas grandeur from my childhood.

And then I grew up, and life turned out being so much harder than I had ever imagined, and every looming year marks another milestone of a wish, hope, dream not yet met... and somehow I've turned into one of those tired people who actually full on dread the holidays.

I'm the one who bakes everything, buys everything, brings everything, juggles everything, wraps everything, orders, stuffs, addresses, seals, mails all the cards, sends and replies to the millions of texts and emails trying to obtain and give the perfect and complete wish lists along with the organization of all the said food and party details of that stated earlier... so that everyone in my family can just put on their coats, get in the car, and "arrive and enjoy" their big day ~ which ends up lasting for an entire week or longer as we bounce from one celebration to the next, and then all needs to be unpacked and put away when we get home.  Throw in blended families on multiple sides, an adopted child, the empty space of a child lost too soon, all topped with a thick layer of the mom-guilt of someone who deep inside honestly knows she's just feeling sorry for herself and really just wants someone in her house to remember to go shopping for something meaningful, thoughtful, and special for her...

And well... yeah, the holidays are just hard.

I honestly have the best of intentions every year to intentionally stay slow... to do less, care less, spend less... and then somehow Halloween passes, the calendar flips to November and the crazy just seems obliviously inevitable.

I've been walking around at war with myself for days about all this, and it finally spilled out all over in the form or tears this morning at work.

I'm tired and not sleeping well, I'm stressed, I'm attempting (and failing miserably) at dieting ~ even through I am diligently doing what I'm supposed to in the eating and exercising avenue... apparently stress, age, and hormones still have the upper hand within my stubborn body.  I'm finding it harder and harder to get up every morning and face the day, poised to make the right health decisions when there is no fruit from my labor.  My stamina and hope is fading quickly....

And now the calendar says that Christmas is next week.  Next week.  My pulse quickens and my emotions rise.  I try and take a deep breath and tell myself to just "not care..."  Take a step back and remove myself emotionally from the reality at hand.  Put up the wall. Remain numb. Sustain survival mode.

But I am one of those Type A, obsessively organized, planner people, and remaining emotionally unattached does not come easy for me.  Hence, I'm walking around all "bah-humbug-y" and have piled on a good 'ol heap of stressed out self-pity.

But Christmas is not about me.  Deep inside, I know this.  It's what eating away at my soul right now.  Christmas is NOT about ME.

Christmas is about grandparents going to the church Christmas Programs.  It's about parents having their children and grandchildren all home under one roof, celebrating together, despite the chaos.  It's about inviting friends and neighbors to worship on Christmas Eve, opening the doors of the church and welcoming one and all.  It's about creating the childhood magic and grandeur for my own children within our home.  It's about seeing the unseen, hearing the unheard, loving the unloved.  It's about breathing deep, honoring tradition, gracefully packing away our life's disappointments for a small season, loving family unconditionally (despite the quirks), and putting others first.

And at the very intimate core of all of this, it's ultimately about the tiny baby born in Bethlehem, who would die on a cross thirty-three years later, in order that I would be able to live and be saved over two-thousand years later.  That is the true magic and wonder of Christmas, the true gift and ultimate giving.  That is the perfect picture of sacrifice, of setting aside self and giving completely.

It's about the giving. It's not about the getting.

My heart is heavy as I think about how this simple fact, this indescribable act, has gotten so commercialized and self personalized, both in my life and in society at large.  It is my prayer that the unattainable expectations and unrealistic hopes of this Christmas do not overshadow the greater sunshine and shining eastern star announcing the arrival of the One who will one day set us free from all our discontent.

May the true message and reality that Christmas is NOT about ME softly settle deep within my self-pity filled soul, and may all our hearts be filled with the magical childlike awe and wonder over the Child of God this Christmas.

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