I was supposed to have my mammogram already back in February. I was in no way emotionally able to walk back in that room, exactly one year after our Journey to Faith began there that day.
At first I just ignored the email and mail notifications stating I was due, and then overdue, for my yearly mammogram. Finally in June I called to scheduled the appointment, but I told them I needed an appointment in October... after camping season was over for the summer.
You see, I'm also a planner. While I knew I emotionally couldn't handle repeating this appointment again in February, I also did not want to lose a summer at the lake to surgery, chemo, and sickness if something were to be found on my mammogram. And I know I will live with an insane guilt over waiting if something were to be found after extending the time in which I knew I should have had it done. I wish I was ~haha~ joking, but it's the honest truth in how I think and process. Avoidance and denial. They are two of my top coping mechanisms.
I've never talked about it, but I also carry a great fear of cancer, especially breast cancer. I lost an aunt at 39, a cousin at 33, my sister-in-law was diagnosed at 29, and I have friends who have lost their precious mamas. In my mind I've basically just lived with the fear of "when will it be me?" Interestingly enough, way back in February 2014 I also had started the process of setting appointments for genetic testing, and was very open to the option of having a preventative mastectomy. Needless to say, that was all stopped the moment I walked from the mammogram room to the ultrasound room and heard the words "Oh... there's a baby in there..."
Those words led to a long and painful journey of great loss and devastation for our family, and nothing more was ever said about that initial cancer screening since. We are approximately 20 months out from that initial life altering moment, and while we are not all the way picked back up and put all back together... we are diligently working on living one more day, one more day at a time.
It's times like these that trigger all those memories and emotions all over again, and by the time I crawled in bed last night I had all sorts of crazy feels going on and all sorts of fabricated stories woven in my head of multiple scenarios of hypothetical outcomes based on the finding and results of my mammogram today, and all sorts of flashbacks and memories of the life and loss of our little Faith.
Why do we do this to ourselves?? I mean seriously - why do we let our minds take over and rob us of so many sane, calm, restful, and rational thoughts each and every day?? I once again could not reign in the chaos of my mind's overactivity, and my basic sanity paid the price and took the lofty toll.
I did finally sleep, and I did get myself to the hospital, checked in, and allowed myself to be led back to that same little waiting room. I instantly remembered the things I was thinking about as I waited that day, I remembered the book I was reading, I remember what part in the book I was reading... I remember the fear of my mammogram results and the heavy dread of ultrasound results within me, never once wondering if all the sickness I was experiencing could have been caused by pregnancy. I was mourning the reality of possibly talking hysterectomy... And within an hour from the moment I entered that waiting room, our world would be turned upside down.
I fought back tears and choked down fear throughout the appointment today. I answered all the questions and I survived the procedures to get the six images they needed for medical review. And then I walked out and went home to wait for the results, my legs heavy with the past depth and sadness they now carried along.
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