So. I have officially crossed off two of my top bucket list items in the past few months; Doing a live RunDisney marathon weekend, and the Deadwood SD Mickelson Trail Marathon weekend.
I can’t decide if it’s a good feeling, or more of an odd feeling, to be on this side of them after so long working towards them. At the moment, while my legs are still incredibly sore (my legs are "blown" is the term I always use when they feel this way) and I’m still dragging my tired body along behind me as I attempt to recover and reenter the land of “living” again, I would strongly say it’s an odd feeling.
Slightly good and gratifying, while slightly sad and maybe even a bit … scary.
So what is next?
You know… I actually don’t know. And I guess that is both a little scary and a whole lot freeing.
I do have other things on my bucket list other than running. Witnessing the Northern Lights in person, going to a hot air balloon night showing, photographing eagles in the wild, and writing a book are still on there. I suppose I could start looking into those a little closer now. I don’t know.
Oh, and I know I still owe my oldest a trip to the top of the St Louis Arch, because I was too scared to do it with him that one time we stopped there when he was little and I was a single parent. Ugh, my gut still aches just thinking about that one. Sorry kiddo. So so sorry.
I do feel I need to circle back just a minute to finish processing this latest “accomplishment” – which is something I admit I have a bit of a hard time saying, or giving myself the due credit for… since the initial intent was far from the final outcome. Five years. Five years ago I first registered for this race in Deadwood, SD. On paper, it looked to be the perfect race. Early summer, downhill course, beautiful scenery. (*side note to add now that my feet have run it in person and not just my eyes running it on paper - do not be deceived... this is not a cake walk race by any means... and it is not all downhill, no matter what that elevation map shows.)
(Ok back to five years ago...) Surely I could train hard core all winter and spring and blow a sub 2 PR (aka: I could run the whole race in under two hours time, which would be a new personal record for my best time.). Because, for whatever reason, in my mind if I could achieve a sub 2 – then maybe I could actually consider myself a "real runner."
I didn’t get to run this race five years ago. Or 4 – or 3 – or 2 – or 1 year ago either for that matter (although I was registered for them all...) Five years ago I did get a 2:02 finish at a race in Minnesota in mid June, and that is the best this body would ever be able to give me. So close, but… nary a “real runner” … (so says the demons in my head).
I think what was the most difficult for me with this race… that I knew going in, that the final outcome would be nowhere close to what I had originally hoped/planned for when I had initially registered. I’m older, more tired, ankle and back injuries, covid, anxiety, weight gain (I won’t continue – you get the point…)
Slightly good and gratifying, while slightly sad and maybe even a bit … scary.
So what is next?
You know… I actually don’t know. And I guess that is both a little scary and a whole lot freeing.
I do have other things on my bucket list other than running. Witnessing the Northern Lights in person, going to a hot air balloon night showing, photographing eagles in the wild, and writing a book are still on there. I suppose I could start looking into those a little closer now. I don’t know.
Oh, and I know I still owe my oldest a trip to the top of the St Louis Arch, because I was too scared to do it with him that one time we stopped there when he was little and I was a single parent. Ugh, my gut still aches just thinking about that one. Sorry kiddo. So so sorry.
I do feel I need to circle back just a minute to finish processing this latest “accomplishment” – which is something I admit I have a bit of a hard time saying, or giving myself the due credit for… since the initial intent was far from the final outcome. Five years. Five years ago I first registered for this race in Deadwood, SD. On paper, it looked to be the perfect race. Early summer, downhill course, beautiful scenery. (*side note to add now that my feet have run it in person and not just my eyes running it on paper - do not be deceived... this is not a cake walk race by any means... and it is not all downhill, no matter what that elevation map shows.)
(Ok back to five years ago...) Surely I could train hard core all winter and spring and blow a sub 2 PR (aka: I could run the whole race in under two hours time, which would be a new personal record for my best time.). Because, for whatever reason, in my mind if I could achieve a sub 2 – then maybe I could actually consider myself a "real runner."
I didn’t get to run this race five years ago. Or 4 – or 3 – or 2 – or 1 year ago either for that matter (although I was registered for them all...) Five years ago I did get a 2:02 finish at a race in Minnesota in mid June, and that is the best this body would ever be able to give me. So close, but… nary a “real runner” … (so says the demons in my head).
I think what was the most difficult for me with this race… that I knew going in, that the final outcome would be nowhere close to what I had originally hoped/planned for when I had initially registered. I’m older, more tired, ankle and back injuries, covid, anxiety, weight gain (I won’t continue – you get the point…)
At the very first stop we made as we traveled there, I found a mug that said "You are enough." Enough. Just as I already am. I bought that mug as this trip's theme mug... It was just perfect.
I went. I ran. I walked. I finished. I gave it all I had. It was very far from a sub 2. But after five years, it’s officially done and crossed off the list. So there is that. And that is probably one of the main reasons I didn't tell anyone I was going to do this race weekend. I already knew I was going to disappoint myself (well, disappoint that annoying self inside me that nags on me continuously for perfection), surely I didn't want anyone else to know about it. And I was too scared to hype it up, to yet again have something come up to keep me from even starting it.
I went. I ran. I walked. I finished. I gave it all I had. It was very far from a sub 2. But after five years, it’s officially done and crossed off the list. So there is that. And that is probably one of the main reasons I didn't tell anyone I was going to do this race weekend. I already knew I was going to disappoint myself (well, disappoint that annoying self inside me that nags on me continuously for perfection), surely I didn't want anyone else to know about it. And I was too scared to hype it up, to yet again have something come up to keep me from even starting it.
It left me with only the pressure of performance within myself, which I also knew, was thee only pressure there was. No one else could care less how I did, and I was more than fully aware of that. Me against myself ... that thing that makes me both the best me and the worst me, all at the same time.
But, the best thing happened on that trip – which would have never happened any of the five years prior – I got to be there and watch my friend cross the start AND finish lines to both her first 5K and first half marathon! Too amazing and fun for words. Honestly. So proud of her grit and determination and love for all things. I loved getting to do this adventure with her! I loved getting to climb onto all the school busses with her and stand at the start lines with her. And I loved watching her enter the finishers chute and crossing those finish lines... priceless.
But, the best thing happened on that trip – which would have never happened any of the five years prior – I got to be there and watch my friend cross the start AND finish lines to both her first 5K and first half marathon! Too amazing and fun for words. Honestly. So proud of her grit and determination and love for all things. I loved getting to do this adventure with her! I loved getting to climb onto all the school busses with her and stand at the start lines with her. And I loved watching her enter the finishers chute and crossing those finish lines... priceless.
No, this WASN’T the same race in any aspect as it would have been five years ago. Different stages of life, different paces, different goals, different people along, different outlook, different runners registered … and yet – the same race. The same path, the same miles, the same start and finish lines.
I will never have a sub 2 half, but I will always have the memory of her firsts. And the second, I’m sure will forever be far more filling for my soul than the first ever would have been.
And yes, I know... "real runners" aren't classified by the times and paces, they are classified by the blood and grit and determination that move us forward, one foot in front of the other, over and over - until you reach the finish line. (I'm totally stealing my friends quote here!)
And in full honesty, I am pretty sure this was my last in person half marathon I will do. I have been cycling through race registrations and race training now for a lot of years. Today, right now, is the first time I have not been registered to run something... to have to train for something hard that I would do within the next twelve weeks.
I've done that on purpose, so I wouldn't (couldn't?) stop pushing myself and making myself continue forward. When I crossed the finish at runDisney - I was already registered for the Deadwood Half, so I knew I wasn't done, I knew it would be a small week off to recover, and then I would need to get back at it. Back to the early morning and the long miles. The weight lifting and the perfection slave driver inside me drilling me over and over on what I should be doing, what I needed to be doing, what I was supposed to be doing...
But this time I went in knowing it would probably be my last. When I crossed the line this time, there was nothing "next" waiting for me to have to train for. I don't have a "next" right now. Except walking, for some reason walking just sounds so amazing to me, so I think I'm just going to rest and walk and wait and see what my "next" is going to end up being.
Don't worry - I'm sure I'll keep you posted!
