So many things… so very many things are in a tangled messy web around me right now it seems. Which string do I grab, do I pull, do I attempt to examine, dissect and share about? I honestly don’t know, it’s just all too much and too messy right now to know which specific thing to focus on.
Today is the first day of August. Oh how I struggle with August. I won’t devote this entry to that specifically, but will leave just a few links so you know what I’m referring to. Today that was not forefront on my mind, but I do totally know it's lingering in there waiting to sink its teeth in again soon.
So as I wound my thoughts around and around, cussing and discussing it all with myself, I decided that perhaps I attempt to write about a few things this week, without actually writing about them. Yeah, I know… probably as crazy as it sounds, I know.
But I think it's going to be one of those things you get... or you don't get. And the ones that get it... this one is for you.
First off, you’re probably even wondering what that even means, talking about something without actually talking about it…. and I’m talking about those things that are perhaps your burden and struggle, your hard, your reality, your auto pilot you’re stuck in - but it is not entirely your story to tell. It’s not just you, and it’s not just black and white. It's simply not really all your story to tell.
I share (and overshare) about a lot of things on this space, but there is a huge half that I remain fairly silent about, because it’s hard, really hard, and as mentioned earlier, it’s not entirely my story to share, so I don’t. But, because I choose to not vividly paint all the details out in all the colors that it shows itself to all be, does not mean that it is not a very real and present aspect of my life, every single minute, every single day.
And most minutes and days, it is an utterly exhausting song and dance.
I have been given the privilege of getting to be the mother of a son who was born of another woman. Had God answered our prayers for our own living children over the years and years (and years) we begged and pleaded and doctored, I’m not sure if I would have actually “chosen to be chosen” for this. But God’s answer was a very strong NO, and it was enforced over and over again.
First off, you’re probably even wondering what that even means, talking about something without actually talking about it…. and I’m talking about those things that are perhaps your burden and struggle, your hard, your reality, your auto pilot you’re stuck in - but it is not entirely your story to tell. It’s not just you, and it’s not just black and white. It's simply not really all your story to tell.
I share (and overshare) about a lot of things on this space, but there is a huge half that I remain fairly silent about, because it’s hard, really hard, and as mentioned earlier, it’s not entirely my story to share, so I don’t. But, because I choose to not vividly paint all the details out in all the colors that it shows itself to all be, does not mean that it is not a very real and present aspect of my life, every single minute, every single day.
And most minutes and days, it is an utterly exhausting song and dance.
I have been given the privilege of getting to be the mother of a son who was born of another woman. Had God answered our prayers for our own living children over the years and years (and years) we begged and pleaded and doctored, I’m not sure if I would have actually “chosen to be chosen” for this. But God’s answer was a very strong NO, and it was enforced over and over again.
I guess that is what it took for us to finally hear His whispered of His plans, for not just our lives, but for countless others as well in the messy and complicated triad of adoption.
And, His call did not end as we drove home from the hospital that day with the crying newborn in our backseat. Looking back, the approval and years of waiting for that crying newborn was actually the easiest part of the entire journey thus far, if I’m going to be completely honest.
So… without sharing details, I do feel like I need to simply state that yes, we followed the call that we were given to adopt, and while I have chosen to not really share much of that half of my life with the general public, it is very much a really large, really hard, really messy part of my life and my story… of our life, our story.
There is an entire other world of reality that goes on within the walls of our family, as I know is the case with every single family. And also like many others, I know, our story is sometimes hard. Yes, there are joys and happiness and goodness, but there is also a stack of messy and hard and heavy things stacked super high against that on our teeter-totter.
To say it’s been a bumpy ride is an understatement.
And, His call did not end as we drove home from the hospital that day with the crying newborn in our backseat. Looking back, the approval and years of waiting for that crying newborn was actually the easiest part of the entire journey thus far, if I’m going to be completely honest.
So… without sharing details, I do feel like I need to simply state that yes, we followed the call that we were given to adopt, and while I have chosen to not really share much of that half of my life with the general public, it is very much a really large, really hard, really messy part of my life and my story… of our life, our story.
There is an entire other world of reality that goes on within the walls of our family, as I know is the case with every single family. And also like many others, I know, our story is sometimes hard. Yes, there are joys and happiness and goodness, but there is also a stack of messy and hard and heavy things stacked super high against that on our teeter-totter.
To say it’s been a bumpy ride is an understatement.
That being said, I also need to emphatically state that I have never once doubted any of this. We are all exactly where we are supposed to be in this adoption story. This doesn't usually make it any easier, but this is something given, granted, gifted to us by God, and as we fall to our knees over and over, we know we cannot do this without Him carrying us all the way.
We live and we love with all our hearts, minds, and souls, and no, it's not all bad... there is a lot of good, of great, of joy... it's just always mixed with a really heavy twist of difficulty and unknown.
I know it’s not just “adoption” alone that weaves the “high needs kiddos” of the world, there are many many many other things… other diagnoses, other traumas, other circumstances that leave the hard deck stacked just a little higher than some of the others in the realm of reality and parenting.
I know it’s not just “adoption” alone that weaves the “high needs kiddos” of the world, there are many many many other things… other diagnoses, other traumas, other circumstances that leave the hard deck stacked just a little higher than some of the others in the realm of reality and parenting.
I know you know who you are, I see it in your eyes, your reactions and actions to the displayed behaviors you pray no one else is seeing or overhearing. I see it in your silence, I see it in your inner aches and outer hurts. Please know, you are not alone. Whatever your story, whatever your burden, your fear, your guilt, your disappointment, your ache for more / better / different …. know you are not alone, I see you and I want to hug each and every one of you, and your kiddos.
I want to help love all the yuck out of their lives and yours, but we all know - that there is not enough love in the entire world to fix some of this “broken.”
And that reality is harder to accept than anything you will ever know.
And that reality is harder to accept than anything you will ever know.
All the love in the entire world is still not going to be enough, and we will break our hearts and our selves and our lives over and over and over again merely trying for it to be.
A few basic words, perhaps left here in simple bullet points that are far far far from a complete list or "as easy as" the tiny dot each one represents. • high needs • medication • therapy • self / child advocacy • IEP / 504 • alphabet soup of tests / diagnoses • appointments • friends / family / school / church / social • tantrums / triggers • financial burdens • insurance issues / deductibles / pre-approvals • mental / behavior / spiritual healthcare • sensory issues / overstimulation • intentional sabotage • self care / self harm • fear / disappointment • invisibility while being highly visible….
I feel I need to reign it in here and simply stop, knowing I’ve probably already shared too much. But yet I know I am not alone, we are not alone in this. There are several who will never know, never get it, never see it for what it really is, will never believe us if we tried to even tell, would never support us even if we asked. Who see us, see our kiddos, read this with that odd little tilt of their heads off to the left with one eye brow slightly raised not following a word I'm saying here.
A few basic words, perhaps left here in simple bullet points that are far far far from a complete list or "as easy as" the tiny dot each one represents. • high needs • medication • therapy • self / child advocacy • IEP / 504 • alphabet soup of tests / diagnoses • appointments • friends / family / school / church / social • tantrums / triggers • financial burdens • insurance issues / deductibles / pre-approvals • mental / behavior / spiritual healthcare • sensory issues / overstimulation • intentional sabotage • self care / self harm • fear / disappointment • invisibility while being highly visible….
I feel I need to reign it in here and simply stop, knowing I’ve probably already shared too much. But yet I know I am not alone, we are not alone in this. There are several who will never know, never get it, never see it for what it really is, will never believe us if we tried to even tell, would never support us even if we asked. Who see us, see our kiddos, read this with that odd little tilt of their heads off to the left with one eye brow slightly raised not following a word I'm saying here.
Surely it's merely a parenting issue... not a child issue.
To which I simply need to state: not all disabilities are visually identifiable from looking from the outside in.
But there are those that do get it - do see - do know - do support (and the few who don't get it, don't see, don't know and still decide to simply support us anyway) and I simply say, thank you to each and every one of you.
There’s a very large, very real other half to basically everything I do, that is beyond child loss and beyond my own self. It’s a mix of messy relationships, of hard love, of rocky situations, of trying to live two steps ahead while being drug along in the dirt and dust from three steps behind.
I’m not writing this to be looked down on, to be gossiped about, to be pitied, to be suddenly scrutinyzed through even more colored lens from the world around us….
There’s a very large, very real other half to basically everything I do, that is beyond child loss and beyond my own self. It’s a mix of messy relationships, of hard love, of rocky situations, of trying to live two steps ahead while being drug along in the dirt and dust from three steps behind.
I’m not writing this to be looked down on, to be gossiped about, to be pitied, to be suddenly scrutinyzed through even more colored lens from the world around us….
I’m merely wanting to say please please please choose to live life with an open mind and an even more open heart. Don’t turn away the messy, don’t shun the hard. Don’t judge and don’t assume.
None of us have any idea what everyone around us is going through. We have no idea the burdens and weights attached to the shoes they are wearing through their God assigned journeys in their lives.
Give grace, send prayers, extend hugs, choose kind. To everyone, including yourself. And it’s hard, really hard… especially to ourselves most day as we are living our lives “less than” in a valiant attempt to help others live “more than.”
Give grace, send prayers, extend hugs, choose kind. To everyone, including yourself. And it’s hard, really hard… especially to ourselves most day as we are living our lives “less than” in a valiant attempt to help others live “more than.”
