I am an almost pushing fifty-something, audaciously authentic, Jesus loving, modestly pierced, heavily tattooed, daughter of Christ who carries a colorful past full of mistakes and second chances. I’m a part-time cupcake making powerhouse, full-time art administrator, adoption advocate, control freak, perfectionist, emoji lover, hashtag abuser, camping obsessed, sunset chasing, avid photographer, who’s completely addicted to scrapbooking. Standing beside me is my main man, my forty-something husband of over eighteen years (who’s also moderately tattooed with a colorful past), my three children ages twenty-four, thirteen, and stillborn seven years ago… and of course our adorable little poochie-poo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, January 4, 2021

Unexpected Blessings - Stay Strong

New Years Eve 2020 I was in bed and probably asleep by 8:45pm. #partyanimal

I stayed home, skipping the annual New Years Eve party with our friends.  I skipped because I have a really big race scheduled for this week and I did not want to risk being exposed (yes, I am one of #thosepeople), and I skipped because I had a really big race scheduled for bright and early New Year's Day.

My 3rd Annual 1st Run of the Year race through Virtual Pace Series.

I've been diligently training for a half and full marathon coming up, so instead of just another long training run this week, I signed up for this race with the goal distance of 20.21 miles.

Happy New Year 2021 girls and boys!

I trained, I watched my nutrition and water intake super close, I made sure I got enough sleep. I fueled well before and during the race... and it went really well.  Like surprisingly really well.  The kind of "really well" that later in the day makes you wonder if you somehow messed up the math and didn't go the right distance or somehow didn't do something "correct."

But it's also the kind of "really well" that just might come from having well... just having trained really well.

Does this give me a false sense of hope going into my big race this week... #suredoes

The next morning I gave myself a full rest day #whoopwhoop and got up and nestled in with my coffee, blanket, devotions, and my book in front of the fireplace, while the hubs headed to the lakes for some more ice fishing for the second day in a row.

I got a text later from him asking how I was feeling.  Oh... like I got run over by a freight train, you know the typical post race #lawdhavemercy #whathaveIdone.

But it made me reflect a little... I had registered for this race as soon as it had opened - it was the 3rd year in a row I'd done this race and had been a little fearful covid would have messed this one up as well, but it opened, I registered, the medal arrived a few weeks ago, it went immediately into the race drawer, and it wasn't until New Years Eve that I dug it all out and got it all ready. (Race day outfits are just as important as race day itself peeps!)

That night I realized that I did not have a Gatorade Recovery Bar (#whatthewhatgirlfriend) in the race drawer and I had never even thought about finding a "perfect" mug to go with this race (#hotmessexpresstimeofyear).  Yes, I have some strange inner personal "rules" about weird stuff - and two of them are is that I only allow myself to indulge in a Gatorade Recovery bar and treat myself to a new mug after I have "earned" it by training and completely a half marathon (or greater) distance race.

 So, I ran it, didn't have a recovery bar afterward, and drank coffee from my Tired As A Mother Runner mug (which I had "earned" after my 2019 birthday half marathon - just in case you were curious. lol)

I even texted something back in my reply to the hubs stating he should be happy to know I didn't even get myself a new mug after this race.  He's kinda ok with this "mug thing" but kinda not.  #touchysubject #wellleaveitatthat 

A little while later I put the dog out and noticed there was a box that had been delivered on the front step. I gave it a sideways glance and remembered I had bid on (and won) some books from Poshmark last week, and left the box out there.

I closed the door when she came back in and started to clean up and put away the Christmas decorations. 

I stopped to touch the little pink Faith bear we have out on a shelf. I carefully put the crystal snowflake ornament with her name on it that we had gotten that year from the funeral home back in it's box. I touched the glittery pink shoes that had made me completely fall apart a few weeks earlier at the local dollar store.  They were that one random thing, that unexpected thing, that sends the searing pain of loss deep inside causing the tears to publicly spill as you stand there alone in the aisle wishing with an ache so deep and so strong, that there were really little feet and toes that would slide into these precious little adorable shoes.  Yes, I actually let myself buy them, for whatever reason, and put them on the shelf, right next to the beautiful wooden wings ornament sent to me from a dear friend... I decided to leave it all out this year... to see daily, to remember daily.

A little later I put the dog out again (don't even ask, she has bladder issues and is a yorkie with a bladder the size of a pea) and decided I should probably take the box in and attempt to "hide" the books since I totally don't "need" new books and shouldn't have even gotten them because #dugh - library... free and post holiday bank account... empty.

I put the box on the table and thought it didn't really feel like books, but oh well.  I tore it open and...

It was most definitely not the books I had ordered from Poshmark.  No, this box did not contain books.  This box did not contain anything that I had ordered.  This box was a gift, a blessing... and a "more than words can express" type gift and blessing at that.

I slowly moved away the crumpled newspaper and found a lantern with a candle inside and the words "Faith - Hope - Love" on it, topped with a bow green bow and butterfly.  I then pulled out a glittery Christmas ornament, a card, two bracelets, and ... the most beautiful Stay Strong coffee mug.

I stood there with tears falling down my face, some rouge glitter from the ornament still on my hands, looking at the lamp that had both our babies names on it, holding this ice cold mug with the most perfect message on it... and I knew I hadn't just randomly forgotten to look for a mug for that 20.21 mile race I had just completed.

God already had it all taken care of, via this amazing and completely unexpected blessing from a couple that had also been given the unexpected journey of child loss this summer. 

They said hello and goodbye to their little Hope Marie this summer, born with ancephialie.  I had been given the gift of getting to walk beside them during part of that journey. It had been incredibly hard, but it had also been exactly what I knew our #journeytofaith had been for... to be able to touch, and see, and feel the incredible pain and loss involved in having to place your precious little baby into the arms of Jesus far sooner than you ever believe you should have had to.

So, I now have the perfect mug to go with my 1st Run of 2021 race.

Stay Strong.  Stay strong after surviving 2020.  Stay strong entering 2021. Stay strong when all you want to do is give up, walk away, quit, stop, DNF (Did Not Finish in racing terminology).

Stay strong. (And I mustn't forget to mention there are blue butterflies on the back side of the mug. #evenmoreperfect.)

I couldn't have picked out a more perfect saying and meaning had I gone looking for it by myself.

And to the mom, dad and family of little Hope Marie... thank you.  I know you have no idea the perfection of the the timing and the specific gifts you sent, but know it was exactly what I was needing, exactly when I was needing it to help me Stay Strong.

 

Previous Blog Post { Dream BIG Princess Challenge } HERE

Next Blog Post { Sad, Serious and a Side of Snarky } HERE

Sunday, January 3, 2021

Dream BIG Princess Challenge

Well peeps...  It's race week over here!

I admit, I am one that very rarely will say anything beforehand whenever I do these kinds of "crazy things" as my hubs tends to call them.  But I decided today to just be big, and brave, and say it out loud.

One of my big bucket list dreams is ... to do a live RunDisney weekend.  There's the StarWars Race Weekend, the Disney Princess Race Weekend, and the Disney Marathon Weekend.  Last year, I decided I knew I could never afford to register and travel and do the "real" weekend at Disney - but I could live vicariously through other runners who were, and I could train and do my own little virtual version... in my basement.

And I did.  And it was super hard, but fun... although no great selfies with any Disney characters or any of the true charm and excitement from being live and in person... but it was my #disneyonadime option.

And I finished that full marathon... 26.2 miles, in my basement, alone, without actually moving more than about 5 feet the entire way... and I swore I never needed to do that again.  Until I decided to do it again.  #ugh

All races everywhere basically were canceled, or went virtual, in 2020.  Including - all the big RunDisney weekends, which then started extending into 2021.  I got caught up in it all and admit, I almost clicked the register button for the 2021 virtual RunDisney Marathon weekend.  And then I remembered that the medals never arrived last year for my RunDisney Virtual Summer Shorts (5k's in June, July, Aug) that I signed up for - until well after summer.  And well, I am not going to run a race, on the scheduled race weekend, without having the medal(s).  So I backed up... deleted my credit card number... and closed the tab.

But my mind had begun to turn.

Last year, I had ended up using the not-mailed-in-time RunDisney Virtual Shorts metals for my own virtual Marathon Weekend.  I used my late-to-arrive summer metals (can you tell I'm NOT at all bitter about that am I? lol) in January, and trained and ran the same distances at the same times as they were running live in person in the parks. 

So I went online to try find the 2020 RunDisney Virtual Short medals again.

Except registration was already closed for that race.  But I was getting some hits for some of the medals that were now for sale, used on eBay and Poshmark.  The mind continued to turn.

And in the end... after hours and hours and hours (did I mention HOURS of time I spent on all of this #lovineveryminuteofit) here is what I came up with for me, myself, and I....

Dream Big Princess Challenge.  Jan 7-8-9-10, 2021.  Progressive 5k / 10k / Half Marathon / Full Marathon distances (same days and distances as the "official" RunDisney Virtual 2021 Marathon Weekend)  BUT ... I will be crossing the finish lines to medals, real medals, official Disney medals...

Only the medals are all used and from the 2018 RunDisney Princess Marathon weekend race.  Yup some beautiful soul out there ran those races and then plopped all their medals for sale on eBay - and I got them for a steal of a deal (well, in comparison to what it was going to cost me to register for the 2021 Virtual race).

But I didn't stop with the medals.

I spent more hours and hours searching for just the perfect race day outfits to go with each medal.  Ebay, amazon, poshmark, etsy ... I scoured them all for all my options and compared prices with ultimate favorites, made bids, decided what I would settle for prices (I have a personal $5 "limit" on most of my used online shopping/bidding) I was willing to spend and got completely caught up in the thrill of the hunt and creative building of this entire thing.

I also didn't stop with just the medals and race day outfits.

I spent more hours searching for the perfect race day mug to go with this whole challenge.  Yup, I'm one of those odd people that has started treating myself to a new coffee mug each time I train and finish for a large scale race (typically 13.1 miles or greater distance races, because I carry all these stupid self-imposed rules on myself).

So back to Ebay, amazon, poshmark, etsy again... and in the end, I found an almost perfect mug... but not quite... but thank you all things etsy and I was able to custom order the exact mug design I decided to go with, along with the exact verbiage of the race name I also decided to go with.

 And then I designed and printed some custom race bibs to match it all.

And thus we have my "unofficial" virtual RunDisney Dream BIG Princess Marathon Weekend Challenge. Yea, a lot of creative, crazy, thrifty stuff I know... but in the end, it's exactly what I wanted, all the way around.

I trained and am planning to do the same weekend and distances again, the perfect outfits, the perfect mug, the perfect medals, the perfect name.

And I can't help but smile as I think about why I even started running years ago... how I found myself so incredibly lost after the loss of our little #faithmaryjo that I didn't know if I'd ever find my way back up to the light.  Granted, I'm still staggering forward towards the light of healing, but I have pushed, grown, fought, pulled, drug myself through this super incredibly hard #journeytofaith and found running and miles and training to be something so much more than I ever imagined.  I do still consider myself a #runningnonrunner because I don't consider myself any kind of athlete... but I do know, deep inside, I really maybe am a little bit of a "real" runner deep within.

What can I say, I find excitement in planning to run #twentysixpointtwomiles for fun... in my basement... alone... on a treadmill (assuming that makes me "real"ish anyway).

So, as I officially enter another "race week," I dedicate all of this one to my own little princess in heaven, and say one huge thank you to her for giving me the inner grit to Dream BIG Princess, to allow myself to believe I can do hard things, and to push myself harder and deeper than I ever dreamed I would be able to go before that day I had to say hello and goodbye to her all at the same time.

I'm sad that the only princess stuff right now in our house are these medals, shirts, and race bibs... but I will tackle this challenge with hope and pride, taking the pink and princess magic any way I can take it right now, this side of heaven.

And Lord willing, all the mile magic and mercies will be sprinkling it's glitter down on me as I attempt this challenge this week.


Previous blog post { Where Am I Now - Covid Month Nine } HERE

Next blog post { Dream BIG Princess } HERE

Where Am I Now … Covid Month Nine

Yup, I’ve been MIA on here for a while… and after a while it gets a little tricky how to just jump back in. So, here we go. I’ve decided to try posting a few more things in 2021 and I’m going to simply start with a basic update, and I will try keep it all as short as possible. Cuz lord knows 2020 was anything but “as short as possible…”

If I were to have done a Christmas Letter this year, perhaps it would have been something like this…

Nine months ago the world as we knew it stopped. Nine months ago all the big, bad, scary, unknowns were just starting to become, well … known. Everyone was sent home and told to just stay there. Some did, some did not. Some could, some could not. There was essential workers, and non-essential workers, online learning and working from home. There were masks, and fear, and an unbelievable amount of media coverage.

I posted a few things along the way, but mostly kept myself quiet. Basically, full on survival mode. You can pop back to the homepage and catch up if you’ve missed them.

I personally spent most of the last nine months a hot mess. I struggled and wrestled through so many inner demons, so many obstacles and unknowns, so much really hard stuff (at least I sure thought it was hard, I don’t care what everyone else thinks). I know the entire world basically went through the same thing. Some people were very vocal, some people weren’t. Some people continued to be very social as well, some people weren’t. I chose the covid camp side of trying to remain silent while trying to remain safe and quarantined in my house. My choices, my thoughts, my beliefs (and I tried to just keep them to myself and not judge or push them onto anyone else). Most of what I chose to believe did not align with most around me, which added more stress and tension inside and all around me.

Since day one I chose to still get up at the same time I always did. To work out, get ready, and get fully work-ready dressed (with earring, accessories, shoes and the whole shebang). I am still continuing this to this day. Although, I am grateful to also still be allowed to work from home at this current time.

In May, Minnesota borders opened, and the campground opened, and I went from a three month isolation at my house, to the most bizarre case of entering a time zone at the campground as if nothing had happened, or was happening in the world around us. No social distancing, no masks… and I admit, it made for a really hard summer for me this summer. But, we did leave the state and went to the campground nearly every weekend this summer.

Baseball in Iowa started up about the same time, and after three months of isolation for the boy, we sent him off to baseball practice, and dugouts, and the spitting of illegal sunflower seeds (again, as if nothing had happened or was happening in the world around us). Again, this was also hard for me.

I continued my miles and my training, even though ever single race I was signed up for got canceled. Some went virtual, some just canceled. I basically stopped doing any miles outside, except on the weekends at the campground (I honestly just stopped feeling safe outside). So my treadmill, elliptical, and bike are getting all the love right now (and I do mean ALL the love, as I’m training for a full marathon race next week). #runlikethewindbullseye. All my training has brought me through finally agreeing to watch all the Star Wars, Mandalorian, and Marvel movies my son had been asking me to watch for years now. (and who knew – I loved them all!) #allthebabyyoda  This summer I signed up for several virtual Spartan race opportunities that I was not expecting to try, and ended up meeting and exceeding my 2021 intentionally logged miles goal for the year. My mileage and training ended strong… my weight however did not end where I was wanting it to be (nope, no grand covid transformation before and after posting over here for me. I lived… that’s all I can boast about.) Pandemics and isolation at home make a tough go for those who tend to emotionally eat.

Right as the pandemic was ramping up… my oldest son got back together with the beautiful girl he had never stopped loving… and it was so fun to see them bloom together again. She graduated from college, passed her RN test, and got her first full time job. AND this fall there was much excitement as he asked “Will you…” and she said “I will…” Then they bought an acreage together and have been busy starting to remodel it all for his salvage business and for their house together. So, I am officially the mother-of-the-groom and so in love with my future daughter-in-law. I’ve been able to be a part of pretty much everything and it’s been just so fun! We are eagerly looking forward to June 4, 2021. #toinfinityandbeyond

Brian and Isaiah spent months working on their passports… only to have their big trip to Canada canceled. They currently have a 2021 rescheduled trip date set, and we can only cross our fingers and pray it will come to be.

Also at the beginning of the pandemic, Brian decided he needed to change a few things with his carpentry business, and as I sat at home on furlough, he took the big scary steps to go out on his own - and is now sole owner of Crane Custom Carpentry. Scary steps to take in a scary time. He has been working nearly exclusively with Century Cabinetry and has been loving it. Our fingers also remain crossed with hope and anticipation for him as we enter 2021.

Isaiah, as with the rest of the kiddos, struggled learning from home, but we hung on strong and kept going. He built cardboard Titanics, and puzzles, and endless hours of rubix cubes. We read and watched movies and just stayed close. He also felt the crazy shift of life between home and the campground, but loved to be able to just run free with friends and just be outside and all over each weekend.

We decided at very last minute to actually go on a little vacation to the Wisconsin Dells in July. We got a great deal on accommodations, and the only park we went to was at 10% capacity. So, we rode a whole lotta go carts and roller coasters, floated down some water slides and wave pools… and literally absorbed gallons of hand sanitizer. It was definitely a once and done vacation spot for us, but we had fun (and none of us got covid.)

In the fall I transitioned out of furlough (yup, I’m still an art admin in the art dept at Staples Promotional Products) and Isaiah went back to school full time with all in-person learning… and somehow we are still there, despite all the crazy covid going on. There’s been some social distanced band concerts and wrestling tournaments with Isaiah… crazy crazy stuff. Some kids and parents follow the rules and requests being asked, some not… #thingsthatmakeyougohmmm

This fall I also made the decision to brave a trip with my parents to the Black Hills, to meet up with my brother who flew in from South Carolina (where he moved this summer) so we could fulfill the promise we made our dad a few years earlier as we stood on the top of Harney Peak together. We made a promise that for his 70th Birthday we would celebrate and make that same trek together again. The trip was changed and canceled multiple times due to covid and my brother and family moving… but at the last minute we decided to just make it happen and the original #oldenkamppartyoffour enjoyed an insane activity (and hand sanitizer) filled weekend together at the Black Hills, including a hike back to the top and back of Harney Peak.

In January we lost our dear Lily Lou and Isaiah has struggled all year with this loss. He still sleeps with her dog collar… but it’s been a hard year for him as well as the rest of us, and while he desperately wants another dog, we just haven’t been able to afford it. Perhaps some day God will grant us that wish of having two dogs again, but for now Miss Piper Joy remains spoiled rotten and attached (literally) at the hip to me. The covid isolation served her well as she was home with me 24/7 for the last nine months. I think of all of us, she benefited the most from this and will probably be the most devastated if we ever go back to a time when I’m not working from home full time anymore. Wink.

Brian entered his birthday and the holidays very sick and down for nearly a month as he dealt with gallbladder issues and eventually recovery from surgery.

So in a nutshell… we’re all still alive (well, minus Lily) and healthy here. None of us have had covid yet, and Lord willing we will continue to be able to stay healthy. It’s been a rocky, bumpy, rollercoaster of a ride (figuratively and literally lol) for all of us… but we are still here and still moving forward as best as each of us can right now.

2020 gave us lots of memories and lots of things to both mourn, and fear, and be grateful for. We have now turned the page to 2021. I know it will not magically change anything by just changing the zero to a one at the end of the year when a magically clock struck midnight, but it does mean time has continued to tick, and it’s time to just continue forward, holding tight the hands of hope and grace. 

 Next blog post ... { Dream BIG Princess } HERE

{ Previous blog post... One Snapshot In Time  HERE }